The Internet Owner’s Manual

I found this.

It’s the owner’s manual for the Internet. It was covered in dust underneath a pile of old 3.5inch disks, a 56k modem, and a shareware copy of Wolfenstein 3D.

It might be old, and battered, and confusing to anyone who doesn’t know what an owner’s manual is, but it has some stuff in it that will blow your mind. In pure clickbait speak, you’ll read this, and by page ten, your world will change forever.

It won’t.

On page seven it says:

Al Gore designed the internet for three specific purposes. 1) the dissemination of kitten pictures, 2) to freely share pornography, and 3) to heat up the planet.

It goes on to explain that:

Use of the Internet for arguing politics will void the warranty.

So, it seems we broke the Internet.

What’s more:

There are a few rules to bear in mind when using the Internet, or the Webby Superhighway.
i. Never state an opinion on the Internet, unless you are willing to change your mind on the subject matter.
ii. Never read the comments.
iii. Don’t be a dick.
iv. Don’t show people your dick.
v. Do all your searches with Altavista.
vi. Never give a website your credit card details.
vii. Do not use the Internet at work.
viii. Do not operate the Internet whilst drunk.
ix. When downloading pornographic jpegs, wander off and have a cup of coffee whilst you wait.

And there’s this tiny disclaimer at the end of the manual:

Sarcasm and Irony have been disabled on the Internet.


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