It appears I’m now taking requests for the blog posts. I just got asked to write one about all the places one shouldn’t stick cotton buds. Now, I thought these were called Q-Tips in the US of A, but that’s a brand name apparently, and they’re generically known as cotton swabs. So we’ve learned something already.
Let’s learn some more.
They were invented by a man called Leo Gerstenzang, when he stuck some cotton to a toothpick. He called them Baby Gays.
So, the NUMBER ONE place you should never stick a cotton bud, is of course …
In Your Ear
Because according to a 2004 study the use ‘of a cotton-tip applicator to clean the ear seems to be the leading cause of otitis externa in children and should be avoided.’ You can cause impaction of ear wax with them, damage the ear drum, cause dizziness, and besides, they look gross with that yellow shit at the end.
In An Electric Socket
Especially if the tip is covered in wax, because not only will this short the circuit your house (possibly leading to sentient robots), it will give you an electric shock so powerful your bum cheeks will fall off.
In A USB Port
Mostly because it’s a stupid place to stick a cotton bud, but also because your computer will recognise it as a mounted USB device. Here’s the terrible secret though. It IS a USB device, and Unilever uses cotton buds to monitor your every move – so long as you’re carrying a cotton bud.
In An Art Gallery
Because apparently, and apocryphally no doubt, credulous art consumers will think it’s part of some brilliant installation and take photos of it and discuss just what it means, and say things like ‘ceci n’est pas un bourgeon de coton’. And they’d be right.
In A Lollipop
It would take some kind of twisted mind to think it would be funny to replace all the sticks of Chupa Chups with cotton buds, but no doubt someone has done it, or will be inspired to do so by this post, and I dunno, maybe blackmail the company for millions of euros to stop doing it. Especially it they stick the gross yellow end in the anus of the lollipop ready for a gross surprise.
(Bonus facts: Chupa Chup probably means Licky Lick or Sucky Suck, and the logo was designed by Salvadore Dali.)
In The Hands Of A Gladiator
While I concede it would be funny to replace the giant cotton buds they used to use on Gladiators will tiny ones, I reckon Wolf would be mighty irked, and he’d probably growl at you and do a shit in some leaves.
In a Blog
I think we can all agree that the worst place to stick a cotton bud is in a blog post. But at least I didn’t say Up Your Bum.