7 Ways To Feel Amazing

There’s a little known Nordic practice called Bawlchit. By applying simple stroking motions to various parts of your own body, you can create an amazing sensation that will put a smile on your face. Here are my seven favourite ways to feel amazing.

The Tunnock

The first discipline I ever learned in Bawlchit is called The Tunnock. By applying a gentle pressure to the left temple with the tip of your right little finger, you stimulate and cross wire several energy centres. And the feeling is, well, amazing. It feels just like that moment when you first bite into a Tunnocks Teacake. You even hear the little crack of the chocolate shell.


A more advanced version of The Tunnock adds pressure to the right temple using the tip of your left index finger, and creates a sensation like you’re walking on a carpet made entirely of bubble wrap.

Shade And Frayed

If you flick your left incisor with the nail of your right index finger, you’ll get a strong feeling that’s hard to describe. It’s like, well, it’s like finding out a person you know and dislike, but who everyone else seems to think is a great person, has just been arrested for something despicable. Ancient lore teaches that with enough practice, this manoeuvre can actually bring about the arrest of your nemesis, though no empirical evidence exists to support this claim.

Carridge Return

If you slap your cheek as hard as you can, in just the right spot, it will feel just like that moment on an old typewriter where you smack the handle and bring the carriage back to the home position. Slap with enough force, and you’ll even hear a little bell ringing.

Poke And Fiddle

You know that lovely feeling of fiddling with a stack of really good quality Poker chips? The way you can riffle them, and tease them, and click and clack them? Well, with Bawlchit, you can recreate that amazing feeling any time you like, simply by easing any fingertip under your right eyelid and stroking the horizon of your eyeball. Works best with sand added.

Dett Relief

Imagine being financially independent. Imagine never needing to worry about money ever again. Imagine having a drawer that was always full of cash, no matter how much you removed from it. Imagine just how much of a weight off your shoulders that would be. An advanced technique this one, that involves pushing one finger in one ear, so deep that it pokes out of the other ear. Don’t leave it there though, because you have to wiggle the finger for at least an hour before you remove it.


If you stimulate your genitals enough, pleasant sensations can be had.

That Time Alan Partridge Got A Stiffy Live On Air

It’s always worth re-watching anything produced by Armando Iannucci dozens of times, because you will always notice some hidden joke, or brilliant background detail. I watched the tracking off my VHS copies of The Day Today before I noticed that The Bureau truck drives through other news reports, or the man in the background on Parliament Square getting lamped.

Which is why I was re-visiting Knowing Me, Knowing You the other evening. I love the way the stairs have been designed, so that they’re too wide for a single step, and too narrow to do two comfy steps. It makes everyone’s entrance that little bit more awkward, especially as the flight is just a bit too long as well.

Then there’s this …

I never really understood why he was getting undressed inside his big pocket, but went along with it because it has some funny moments.

Then, for the first time, I realised that Alan is tumescent.

Obviously so.

Other shows would have made that the central point of the sequence, but here it’s a little throwaway blink and you miss it moment.

But once you see it … you can’t unsee it.

Topical Jokes

There’s too much happening this week to focus on any one thing without it being to the detriment of something else. In the meantime, here’s some bang up to the second topical comedy from 1979.

If you’re ever in doubt about something, it’s usually Richard Nixon’s fault.


Why Don’t Snookerists Get More Angry?

I watch the snooker at this time of the year. Or more precisely, I nap in front of the snooker a lot at this time of the year. Which may explain why my understanding of the game is limited.

As far as I can tell, it is the job of the snookerballers to make all of the balls disappear down the the holes in the table. Leaving aside why there are holes in the table, I do wonder why the snooker drivers don’t get more angry when they play the game.

Because I would.

Every time you put one of the balls down one of the holes, the Butler comes along and puts it back on the table.

I don’t really understand why there’s a Butler there, but it’s probably because the snookerers have all just come from a posh dinner or something.

Anyway, cats really love watching snooker.