Archive for the ‘Lize’ Category

Thought Vomit #126: ft. Nick The Clegg Diddle Iddle Iddle Um

Sunday, April 18th, 2010

If the Lib Dem bounce in the polls is borne out at the ballot box, we could see one of the more stupid consequences of our electoral system. Labour could conceivably finish third in terms of total votes, but actually win an overall parliamentary majority.

A lot of this has to do with the giant, giant majorities Labour won in the past three parliaments – it’s easy to forget that Tony Blair’s New Labour Project was the most successful at the polls since the Second World War. And a lot of it has to do with the fact we’re not electing a President.

To be honest, if this bounce keeps a pair of empty Etonians with a sense of entitlement out of Downing Street, then that can only be a good thing.

Cameron Looks On

"Keep saying Change keep saying Change keep saying Change - hang on, who's that guy?"

But as John Rentoul points out, it does mean that the Labour manifesto suddenly has a lot more meaning – maybe they wrote it expecting defeat. In it, they promise to consult on “an open list proportional representation electoral system for the Second Chamber”.

That would mean a democratically elected upper house. Brill.

Trouble is, it won’t happen. Nick Clegg is famous for ballsing up second-ever national election debates. Last time he did the first-ever follow up leaders head to head, he ate a baby.




Thought Vomit #124: ft. The Manifesto

Monday, April 12th, 2010

Labour has launched its manifesto in the form of a YouTube cartoon.

There’s a nice subliminal message in there too. Apparently, some of us are just morons with a megaphone. Nice.

Since I’m standing for election to this blog, hoping to secure an historic second term, here are a few nuggets from my own manifesto.

On the Digital Economy:

“I aim to negotiate processes and systems that aren’t working and negotiate them so you get the social networks you deserve.”

On Foreign Policy:

“I ask you to morph and understand one key thing: What we are being asked to do – execute swiftly on our emerging relationships – has not changed.”

On the NHS:

“The organisational changes I am making will help us grow a culture of prosperous customer focus.”

On Overseas Development:

“I will capitalise global P&L responsibility as well as business and e-service strategy.”

And finally on Parliamentary Reform:

“We now have a structure and a compelling start to benchmark the leadership portals.”

With thanks to the Coporate Bullshit Generator.

But most importantly of all, I’ve been working hard on my election slogan. I think it embodies everything I stand for, and everything I hope to achieve, along with a fair and accurate representation of the mandate I am asking you to support.

“We’re going to iterate processes and systems that aren’t working and iterate them so you get the deliverable you need.”




Thought Vomit #122: ft. A Shit’s Trick

Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010

Pressure is mounting on the BBC’s Political Editor to resign this evening, as Nick Robinson stoically refuses to deny allegations of bullying and bias.

Since Friday evening, Nick Robinson has been unable to quash the clamouring calls for his ousting, amid accusations that he once ate a junior reporter’s face, and that his reporting is skewed by his prior involvement with the Tory Party.

Nick Robinson

Questions about Nick Robinson's face eating just won't go away, because I keep asking them, again and again

All weekend and well in to Monday, the talk in our house was that Nick Robinson, famed for his balding head and stupid delivery, was seen to pin down James Landale and proceed to gnaw his chops off. Now, while none of us actually witnessed this event, one senior source in the kitchen says that he knows a man who knew a woman once who said this actually happened.

But what’s interesting, and it’s what’s got us all atwitter, is that neither Robinson, nor any of his associates, has actually denied this event ever took place.

Sure, on Monday evening, Robinson was seen on the Six O’Clock News stoically not talking about the claims circulating around my head that he once feasted on a colleagues lips, but what’s noteworthy is that at no point during his life has he outright denied these allegations.

Once more, no one is actually saying he did this, and there’s no actual evidence to support the claims, but it’s telling that he hasn’t come out and forcefully demonstrated his innocence.

But does the public care? Some people I’ve spoken to have shrugged and asked me who is this speccy slapper I’m making them look at, but just as vociferously, some people might think it’s make or break time for the BBC’s Political Editor.

And on the wider question of how this is going to affect his coverage of the election, well, it’s long been an open secret that Nick Robinson likes the taste of another man’s cheeks.

This isn’t a scandal. Yet. But if enough people start asking questions and insinuating dreadful scenarios, and if we pose enough rhetorical questions, will this become something bigger? And will Nick Robinson have to face some tough questions in the coming days? Or will one final question with an opposing view make it seem like a thoroughly biased and skewed editorial is actually a balanced piece of journalism?

Only time will tell.




Thought Vomit #110: ft. Homeopathic Tendencies

Sunday, November 1st, 2009

I’ve been diagnosed as a homeopath.

It’s a diluted form of sociopathy or psychopathy apparently, and I display some classic homeopathic tendencies.

I show a certain amount of detachment from reality, I make palpably false statements, I take a lot but give back very little, I chronically fail to take responsibility for harming others, and I need constant stimulation to be effective.

Placebonics

Placebonics

But here’s the really weird bit. The only cure for Homeopathy can be found in western evidence based medicine. But I don’t trust that, as you can imagine, what with Big Pharma and their politician sized pockets. I bet the pill they want to give me is just a placebo anyway, designed to make me ‘feel better’ for the maximum mark up in profit.

Apparently thousands of Homeopaths function normally in every day society, so I’m not alone.

It’s comforting however, to think that such a tiny proportion of the people mingling together are homeopaths, and that the chances are I won’t really bump into one. It makes me feel a bit special.




Thought Vomit #108: ft. Stomach It

Monday, October 26th, 2009

I’ve been suffering terribly this week with stomach inflammation, and as always my doctor hasn’t been much use. He tried to blame it on the amount of food I’ve been eating, but that can’t be right. I mean, eating a cake the size of Ron Howard is par for the course in my house.

So I ignored his advice, which was just some twaddle about healthy eating and exercise anyway, and I went instead to the only sane place left on the planet; the internet.

I wanted a device that pumped the fat from my belly and made it hard, so I Googled the words Pump and Hard. This threw up a number of interesting results, but the one that really caught my eye was the website about Fluffers.

Now, Fluffing is a lot like Phrenology I think, only instead of focussing on the bumps in my skull to tell me I’m a well-rounded individual, Fluffers read the flotsam and jetsam that gather in my belly button. They’re literally navel gazers. It’s like reading tea-leaves apparently, only without the preceding beverage.

So I made an appointment with a local Fluffer called Georgina. As I lay on her inspecting couch, with my belly out for all the world to see, she began by putting me in a relaxed state. I didn’t fully understand what she told me about chakras, but it was pleasant enough when she orally inspected what she called The Navel Mons Meridian.

The Fluffing Meridian Chart

The Fluffing Meridian Chart

After a few moments of this, she began to inspect my belly button, at first with her eyes, then a bit more with her tongue. I think the fluff must have a spiritual taste or something, and Fluffers’ tongues seem to have a unique energy about them, which caused me some discomfort.

From what she could ascertain from her inspection, it turns out I’m “A Dirty Boy”.

I’m not sure what that means, but she said it often, and who am I to naysay the opinions of a professional. It’s probably a personality type of some kind.

From here on in, the healing took a more holistic approach, focussing a lot on massage and oils, and as my session approached its climax, I felt an enormous sense of release, as if she had relieved me of all my pent up energy.

I must say, it’s a much more satisfying experience than a five minute quickie with my local GP.

You should Google ‘Fluffers’ too.