The Existential Pub Quiz

Yesterday was strange, and it started badly.

I bent down, and my trousers ripped, like I was in a seventies sitcom. Luckily the Vicar wasn’t behind me sniffing a posey, but the tearing noise was really loud, and stupidly comical. I may have even made a face like Terry Medford. I certainly made a noise like him.

After that, there was nothing else for it, so I went to the pub, alone, and miserable, albeit in trousers without a buttock tear in them, and sat down to nurse a Coke. That’s when the pub quiz started.

I should have known something was wrong when I was handed the picture round, and it was just a blank piece of paper.

And when the questions began, there were only three of them.

  1. Who am I?
  2. What am I doing here?
  3. What’s the point?

For question 1, I answered Geoff Hurst, because that’s always the answer.

Question 2 was even easier, what with me doing the pub quiz at the time.

But I was a little stumped by question 3.

Eventually I wrote ‘the end of this pen’.

We swapped answer sheets, and I had to mark the answers for a man called Neil Isum. I don’t know why I bothered really, because he hadn’t bothered himself, and left all the answers blank.

With the scores added up, we handed the papers back in, and the quiz master put them in the bin, claiming that was no point to any of it.

Then a guy called Neecher jumped to his feet, started doing a jig, and singing about how great he was at everything.Then he got sad and shut up.

 

7 Ways Your Party Can Win The Election

It’s that time of year again. That time when we’re all busy reading manifestos, carefully comparing our local candidates, grilling them at meetings, asking them tough questions on the doorstep, and generally weighing it all up in a logical, calculated manner.

Because that’s how it’s done right?

Here are seven ways that your party can win the upcoming election.

Have A Leader

All parties need a leader. If we’ve learned nothing else from letting one person control the music at a house warming, it’s that a strong personality is always the best option over things like substance and intelligence.

Throw A Punch

If you want to gauge the best party to hold office, start lobbing eggs at random MPs from said party, and film their reaction. Usually, it’s the one that throws a punch in return that gets all the kudos, because why not?

Get A Bus

Buses are all the rage. You can write anything you want on the side of a bus, and people will believe it. So much so, that the 310 here doesn’t go to, nor has it ever gone to, the destination listed on the front. The most effective things to write on the side of the bus are promises such as ‘vote for us, and we’ll give you an orgasm’.

Make A Gaffe

Gaffes are like manna to journalists who think that people are too stupid to understand nuance and policies. Gaffes are fun and funny, and make the whole process of electing our next Government a lot more entertaining. Like that time Theresa May ate Ted Heath by accident, or when Jimothy Farron used his tenure on The Tonight Show to seduce nuns. It just makes it all a bit more fun. Fun.

Slogans

Slogans are really good and effective, even when they are crap, because people just keep repeating them over and over again, and then they enter the popular conscience, and soon people are repeating them with or without irony, until nothing else matters except the slogan.

Have A Leaders Debate

Because we vote for our local MP, it’s very important that the party leaders stand behind podiums and answer questions from a baying audience that has total disdain for any number of the people on the stage. Debates are good places to make Gaffes, but debates are not good places to bring the Bus.

Make It About Personality

At the end of the day, it’s a popularity contests, like all those telly shows, and it’s the one we like the bestest that wins. It’s the one we would most like to have a drink with. It’s the one who speaks to us like we’re bezzies. The one with the best dress sense. The one with the funniest zingers. The one oh god when will this all end I just want the world to work the way it should for once and not have to suffer the endless nihilistic dystopia that’s worse than anything that ever came out of my own depressed brain oh god make it stop please make it stop.

A Hot Take On *Insert Current Topic*

There’s a thing these days, that all the cool kids are doing, and it’s called a Hot Take. These can be quickly written pieces about anything from the latest episode of Line Of Thrones, to political developments, like the firing of CIA Director Mel Tormé.

I guess the trouble with a hot take is that one runs the risk of getting your fingers burnt.

That was a joke.

I sometimes write them in the heat of the moment and immediately regret them. The amount of tweets that I compose and never actually send would make your Granny blush.

The trick with a hot take is to be quick with it. Which suggests to me at least, that hot is probably the wrong descriptor of the take. A Fast Take might be better.

And it’s not quite a take really is it?

It’s more like putting something down for everyone to see, the way a cat will bring you a dead bird, or a douchebag will send you a photo of his junk. Less of a take, more of a show really.

So, here’s my Fast Show on the current topic that’s gripping the world.

Some Impressions For You

Well, I did it. I say down exactly a year ago today and made a vow to myself that I would write something on this website every day, no matter what. And I succeeded for a whole year. I’m pretty proud of that. Now for another year.

To celebrate, I will now share with you something I’ve never shared with anyone before.

I’m really good at impressions.

So, here are some impressions for you.

First up, an easy, recognisable one. It’s Al Pacino, from the film The Devil’s Advocate.

“INVIGORATING!”

And from the same movie, this is Keanu Reeves.

“Woah!”

Not bad, I’m sure you’ll agree, but those two are easy starters. There seems to be a stable of people that all impressionists do, probably because the voices are so recognisable. You don’t hear impressions of people like David Duchovny though. So, here’s my David Duchovny.

“I’m David Duchovny.”

It’s subtle, so like all good impressionists, I tell you who the impression if of as I’m doing the impression. That way, you know who it is, and it doesn’t have to be all that good.

This one is a bit more esoteric. It’s an impression of a traffic light.

“STOP! … Not yeeeet. GO!”