7 Ways To Feel Amazing

There’s a little known Nordic practice called Bawlchit. By applying simple stroking motions to various parts of your own body, you can create an amazing sensation that will put a smile on your face. Here are my seven favourite ways to feel amazing.

The Tunnock

The first discipline I ever learned in Bawlchit is called The Tunnock. By applying a gentle pressure to the left temple with the tip of your right little finger, you stimulate and cross wire several energy centres. And the feeling is, well, amazing. It feels just like that moment when you first bite into a Tunnocks Teacake. You even hear the little crack of the chocolate shell.

Bubbles

A more advanced version of The Tunnock adds pressure to the right temple using the tip of your left index finger, and creates a sensation like you’re walking on a carpet made entirely of bubble wrap.

Shade And Frayed

If you flick your left incisor with the nail of your right index finger, you’ll get a strong feeling that’s hard to describe. It’s like, well, it’s like finding out a person you know and dislike, but who everyone else seems to think is a great person, has just been arrested for something despicable. Ancient lore teaches that with enough practice, this manoeuvre can actually bring about the arrest of your nemesis, though no empirical evidence exists to support this claim.

Carridge Return

If you slap your cheek as hard as you can, in just the right spot, it will feel just like that moment on an old typewriter where you smack the handle and bring the carriage back to the home position. Slap with enough force, and you’ll even hear a little bell ringing.

Poke And Fiddle

You know that lovely feeling of fiddling with a stack of really good quality Poker chips? The way you can riffle them, and tease them, and click and clack them? Well, with Bawlchit, you can recreate that amazing feeling any time you like, simply by easing any fingertip under your right eyelid and stroking the horizon of your eyeball. Works best with sand added.

Dett Relief

Imagine being financially independent. Imagine never needing to worry about money ever again. Imagine having a drawer that was always full of cash, no matter how much you removed from it. Imagine just how much of a weight off your shoulders that would be. An advanced technique this one, that involves pushing one finger in one ear, so deep that it pokes out of the other ear. Don’t leave it there though, because you have to wiggle the finger for at least an hour before you remove it.

Msagro

If you stimulate your genitals enough, pleasant sensations can be had.

The Movie Studio That’s Secretly Trying To Kill Us All

Universal Studios have always had my favourite movie studio logo, and their current one is the best of the lot.

But it does suggest that Universal have long harboured a desire to wipe out everyone on the planet.

Whether it’s malevolence, or just exuberance, I don’t know.

I do know that Universal are always so happy you’ve chosen to watch one of their movies, that they want to celebrate your decision with a fanfare, and by launching continental-sized letters into orbit around the planet.

They’re not the only ones who get happy.

Paramount want to silently throw giant gravity-defying ninja stars at a mountain they’re so pleased.

And Fox wants us all to run around a building they’ve built in the shape of their logo and lit with spotlights.

Neither of these companies seem hell bent on killing us all though.

If Universal got its way, and they were allowed to launch continental-sized letters into orbit every time someone watched Fifty Shades Of Grey, the tidal forces alone would drag the Pacific ocean twice around the planet before anyone had time to press pause and re-think their life choices.

We must do everything we can to stop this happening.

Let us never let Universal Studios start building rockets capable of launching continental-sized letters into orbit.

Be vigilant.

Chris Hemsworth’s Shocking Secret

I’m constantly being mistaken in the street for Chris Hemsworth. It’s the bane of my life, and the phrase I utter the most and with the most vitriol is “No, I am NOT Chris Hemsworth.”

I don’t want to be mistaken for Chris Hemsworth, because Chris Hemsworth has a shocking secret that he’s hiding in plain sight. Take a look at this selfie of mine his.

It’s all very well. He’s quite handsome, and there may be some resemblance. But I draw your attention to this part of the photo.

That’s clearly a headboard on the wall. And look closer at this part of the photo.

That’s clearly an indentation in the carpet where something heavy recently stood.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH STEALS BEDS.

There’s no other conclusion to be drawn.

He steals beds. Then takes a self-satisfied selfie documenting the crime.

The little tinker.

Two Types Of Men

I’ve long held the (tongue in cheek and highly reductive) suspicion that there are only two types on men on the planet. The ones who are content with the size of their willy, and the ones who aren’t content with the size of their willy.

Once you decide this is true (it isn’t, it’s a joke), it’s rather easy to spot which is which.

Is this man content with the size of his willy?

How about this man?

And what about him?

Now you know how to play the game, you are fully tooled up to go out willy measuring all the men in your life.

Enjoy.

7 Disturbing Facts About Bread

Since I gave up bread, I feel better for it, and because I didn’t replace it with other food stuffs, I’ve lost more weight that I care to admit. But the reason I gave up bread wasn’t because of these seven spurious, possibly false facts.

Bread Is Made Of Old Books

It’s frightening just what goes into the modern loaf, but did you know, the most active ingredient in bread is second hand books? It’s mainly celebrity biographies that have been shredded that end up in your split tin. And the clue is right in front of your nose. B-Read.

Bread Causes Ennui

Ever had that feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction after eating a whole baguette? That’s no coincidence. An additive in most modern bread, called Maydupp 7, is known to cause slight boredom, and if eaten in the right quantities, can even cause sighing.

Bread Is Dangerous

Bread is so dangerous that it has to be kept in air tight bags and stacked on shelves for its own safety. Were it not for this precaution, bread would run amok in the streets, fouling the public highways, and tickling old woman under their hats.

In case you don’t know what bread looks like …

Bread Is Responsible For Everything Bad That Happened Ever

All the evil things in the world, done by all the evil people, chances are, those evil people ate bread at some point in their lives. Coincidence? Hitler? Ate bread. Stalin? Ate bread. Ally McCoist? Ate bread. Case closed.

MacDonald’s Uses Bread In Its Food

Yeah. Can you believe it? In spite of everything we know about bread, MacDonald’s still use it in their burgers and coatings. I mean, come on. Wake up people.

Bread Was Originally Invented For Good

The original inventor of bread, a Dr Albous Winkletoss, originally wanted his new invention to be used for peaceful purposes, and not to fuel tank drivers, and bomber pilots. He envisioned a world made of bread based goods, making housing cheaper for everyone. Witches scuppered that idea though.

Not Eating Bread Turns You Into A Fantasist

Anyone who gives up bread immediately becomes a liar, and makes up all sorts of lies about bread, and the evils of bread.

Anyway, I’ve given up eating this sitcom.

Yeah, I went there.

Anyway, here’s Ridley Scott’s famous 1973 commercial for Hovis.