Budget Cuts

The man was waffling on about deficit reduction, and gross domestic product, but everyone was tuned in waiting to hear one thing, and one thing only.

“When will he get to the tax cuts?” someone in the room asked.

Everyone just shuffled uneasily. No-one liked to admit this was the only thing they were interested in, and so the question remained unanswered.

It was another ten minutes until he turned his page, and cleared his throat, before getting to it.

“Now, I know a few of you have been waiting for my announcement about the tax cuts,” he said with a shit-eating grin that prompted some knowing laughter in the chamber.

When the TV cameras cut to a wide shot, it was plain to everyone that all of the members on the Government benches were a good three foot taller than those sitting on the opposition ones.

A few people in the room darted quick glances at the higher ups, the minority of the group, gathered at the back, peering easily over the heads of their subordinates. No-one really knew when their society had adopted the height-based ‘meritocracy’, because it was so ingrained in their minds. Tall people were just better, it was agreed. Even when it wasn’t.

The six foot tall man on the TV continued.

“Anyone under five foot four should report immediately to their cut centres, and pay,” the pause he left for dramatic effects was appreciated by no-one. “A further three centimetres.”

Groans drifted around the room, and a few mumbles could be heard. Only the people at the back were smiling.

“Anyone over five foot eight, will not be taxed.”

A cheer went up around the chamber, and was echoed from the back of the room.

“It’s only fair,” said one of them, to the agreement of the others. “Short people can’t contribute to society the way tall people do. And it’s only another three centimetres.”

No-one commented that the short were getting shorter.

It wasn’t the done thing.

A Khan Of Coffee

So, you wander downstairs in need of coffee, feeling lethargic, and not really having enough energy to start the day. You make a nice cup of coffee. You lug it all the way back upstairs to the office and slump into the chair, ready for a day of keyboard staring and unwriting.

You wait.

Ready to savour that first sip of coffee.

And when you finally succumb, you realise you forgot to put sugar in it.

We’re All Idiot Sandwiches

On yesterday’s setisoppO, we mentioned this moment.

Now, I know this was a parody of his own show on The Late Late Show with James Corden, but it got me thinking. First, it put me in mind of this.

And because my mind tends to focus on comedy things it can remember, it then led me on to this.

It seems odd that we watch the real versions of these shows in high numbers. Like Dragon’s Den for example, where we watch people with ideas and aspirations go cap in hand to rich knobs who sit there in judgement, while everyone else does all the work. They might as well look like Mr Creosote, and have someone peeling grapes for them.

This is how it should be done.

Or this.

Aim up, not down.

(It seems I make all my points using comedy clips.)

What Is A Hotdog?

We all know what a Hotdog is, right? It’s a sausage in a bun. But after that, it gets rather complicated.

Is the sausage the dog in the hotdog? If so, why are they called hotdog sausages?

Shouldn’t they just be called Dogs? And then, when heated, they become hot Dogs, right? So, doesn’t that make the sausage the Hot part? Because if you served them cold, it wouldn’t be a Hotdog …

The theory goes that Hotdogs got their name because they used to be rumoured to be made from dog meat, thus suggesting that the sausage is indeed the dog part of the dish. Don’t we all agree though, that if you put a British sausage like this …

… in a bun, it becomes a Hotdog? But those sausages aren’t called Hotdog Sausages like the ones above. They’re called sausages. So do you need to put a hotdog sausage in a bun to make a Hotdog?

No, we already decided we don’t.

But then, look again at that jar in the picture above, it doesn’t actually say Hotdog sausages, it just says Hotdogs. And we all know that a sausage on its own can’t be a Hotdog. A sausage on its own is called a sausage.

So, if a hotdog sausage isn’t the same as a sausage, and hotdog sausages are sold as hotdogs, and a sausage on its own isn’t a Hotdog, and any old sausage in a bun is a Hotdog, and a bun on its own isn’t a Hotdog, what part of the Hotdog is the dog, and what part of the Hotdog is a hot?

And what if you put a bun in a sausage?