How To Make Money Writing Movies

There are no new ideas. Apparently.

I saw this on a website today.

It’s depressing.

Not because some of those films will never be made, nor because some of them will turn out to be brilliant movies. It’s the risk aversion that’s so disheartening. Sure, movies cost a fortune to make, and so studios bank on previously proven properties before pumping tonnes of cash into them, and mopping up the oceans of profit when they succeed.

That’s the accepted model anyway.

Paramount occasionally remember that their mid-budget thrillers make them forests of dosh though. They made a load in the 90s, forgot about them, and are now remembering to make them again. And of course, those mid-budget movies don’t always feature original stories. In fact, many of them are bestselling novel adaptations. But for every The Rainmaker, there’s one The Peacemaker.

But there’s yet another model that seems to get overlooked.

Spend a little bit – ie, 10-30 million – and reap massive rewards.

Juno cost $7.5 million, and made $231 million. Slumdog Millionaire cost $15 million and returned $377 million. And for the same price The King’s Speech grossed $414 million.

Not that it matters how much they made – though it does obviously, because movie making is a business after all – these are good films with original good stories. Well, The King’s Speech is Rocky for middle class people, but Rocky itself only cost a million bucks and made upwards of Sylvester Stallone (and bought us the Steadicam too).

Are you banking on a break out hit though? How many of these smaller budget films get those sort of numbers? If it’s one in twenty, then it cost the same as a new Avengers film I guess.

Why do you think those films called Razorblade, Sawtooth, and Haunted keep getting made? Because clear concept, low budget horror films make a ton of money off of a low investment.

Basically, what I’m saying is this.

Stop spending development money on reboots, remakes, sequels, and superheroes, and spend it on me instead. I have bills to pay.

The Terrifying Super Secret Of Tommy Lee Jones

Last year, I stumbled upon an unsettling truth. I realised that Brian Cox (the actor, not the gurning physicist) is responsible for the secret mind control programs that created ALL THE ASSASSINS. Don’t believe me? Check out the evidence here, and here. Then come back and we’ll move on.

It’s obvious that The Man is now on to me, knowing that I’ve exposed a deep, terrifying secret that could destabilise the whole world. But I forgot to mention that Cox played the man who invented the TARDIS by the way, in the BBC docudrama An Adventure In Space And Time, and so he quite clearly could be all those people throughout history. He invented the TARDIS.

But they’re on to me like a ribbon of melted mozzarella cheese.

So they’ve moved on.

They’ve dumped their Cox.

But they can’t leave all these super secret assassination making programs unsupervised. That would be madness. Imagine a world in which assassin ran free in fields and jumped hedges, rather than being kept in stables and mind controlled? It would be jolly dangerous.

So, who’s the new man the man hired to be the man?

Brace yourself.

It’s TOMMY LEE JONES.

I first became aware of his new role whilst watching Captain America: The First Avenger, wherein Jones is an army Colonel man who instigates a program to create a super-soldier. And we all know, that’s the first step in creating the super assassin.

And then, my suspicions were deepened when I saw Jones in Jason Bourne. Now he’s in the present day, and he’s heading up the CIA’s Iron Hand program. He’s gone full-on balls-out Cox. Assassin handler? Check. Head of covert assassin making machine? Check. Use of stupid names for those programs? Check. Time travel? Check.

He did it in Men In Black 3.

Tommy Lee Jones is the new Cox.

Amend your records.

TOMMY LEE JONES IS NOW MAKING ALL THE ASSASSINS.