Transformers: Gobots In Disguise

I decided to waste some of my life as I waited for the Referendum polls to close on Thursday night by watching a stupid movie. Now, I don’t usually tweet whilst watching a movie, because, you know, I’m watching a movie. But I found myself more interested in posting inane remarks about what I was watching than I was in actually watching it.

The movie I chose was Transformers: Age Of Extinction. I have no idea what I expected, because I haven’t liked a single one of the Transformers movies one little bit. I usually just tweet the name of the movie I am about to, or have just watched, in what I like to think of as an anti-review. But I made a snap judgement, six minutes into the film.

It really is nearly three hours long. I’d hate to think how long the first cut was. I probably would have left it at that, and said no more about it, but a piece of dialogue hurt my face so much, I just had to exorcise it.

I don’t even know what that meeeeans. Did a judge sign and stamp his face? Does he have to get a whole new face every time he wants to search someone’s property?

At this point, I’m aware at just how meta my life has become, as I blog about a live tweeting session, and I can only apologise even as I plough onwards. It’s either this or sit and contemplate the dark, existential reality of our new existence.

So, to the light relief.

Who kills the comedy light relief in a THREE HOUR movie less than a sixth of the way through? Micheal Fucking Bay, that’s who. BAYHEM.

And yes, after a frantic chase through the streets at dangerous speeds, with the baddies in hot pursuit, they finally managed to effect (or is affect? Affleck?) their escape by driving away as the baddie watched on, making no effort to follow, even though he was in no way hampered in doing so.

I’ll just let that one sit and fester with you, reminding you that there is a lingering close up of the law as written on a credit card, INSIDE THE DUDE’S WALLET.

He changes from rusting metal carcass of a truck that slightly resembles Optimus Prime, to a shiny multi-coloured, tricked out truck that LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE OPTIMUS PRIME. They’ll never find him now.

I suppose metal must feel the cold. By this point, I was already checking the running time.

I think this is the first time we see Tucci’s character. Maybe Sam Beckett leapt into his body just moments before. I think more movies should secretly have their characters played by Sam Beckett.

It can float in the air. Metal. If I wasn’t already sure this isn’t a kids movie, Tucci admitting physical arousal at the presence of metal confirmed it.

An inanimate Transformer hurt its feelings.

This moment was bewildering. After breaking in, and trashing the place, a man in a suit, wearing a lapel badge came in and saw the carnage, pointed at the two strange intruders and said, ‘you two, my office, fifteen minutes.” That’s the level of security around these billion dollar killing machines. They almost didn’t need their elaborate disguises.

I suppose it must do.

I may have been asleep at that point. It definitely happened though.

Maybe not as disturbing as the underage sex discussion, this moment still bugs me though. If I smacked myself physically through another human being, I’d feel pretty bad about it, no matter how cool it looked in super-slow-motion. And that typo is annoying me now.

BAYHEM!!

But not as well as Jason Lee does it. Incredibles burn!

I think that tweet speaks for itself.

Yeah, apparently trucks shouldn’t breed with cars or something. I might have to re-watch the movie just to clarify this.

Except later, when he flick that cigar at someone, it makes a metal clanging noise. And doesn’t kill the person it hit. But it smokes at the end, and glows. He’s smoking metal. Which as we know, is alive. Like us. That’s like me smoking someone else’s dick.

You’d think Bay would have sexy, curvy, Transformers with spray painted shorts on their bottoms. Missed a chance there Michael, missed a chance.

He didn’t even check for magnets.

Add intellectual property theft to the list of questionable morals in this film. Oh, and murder. Of metal.

Another irksome typo detracts from the brilliant realisation that the one that smokes is voiced by John Goodman. Maybe a Roseanne crossover slash/fic could be on the cards? I won’t Google it.

It wasn’t the Brooklyn Bridge. They were in a different city. Destroying everything.

Movie geography is weird.

I mean, it can’t be classed as an act of God … because, you know, aliens prove He isn’t real, right?

Autobots, unionise.

Ha.

Typo aside, the thought of a truck looking for its own spunk stain is … odd.

I suppose he could Transform into a gun, so the metaphor could be tortured further.

Oh yeah, I forgot, Kelsey Grammar’s in it.

Gross.

Metal bukake.

Gross.

And also, ouch.

I genuinely want to know the answer to this now.

In Gotham the sun sets in the time of a short tunnel journey.

Sad to see a metal robot body-shaming itself.

Same expression of confusion as when he saw the Lincoln Memorial was now AN APE.

Bit weak that, isn’t it? Sorry.

I don’t know why there are metal dinosaurs is what I meant.

It’s not a kid’s movie. It’s a movie for six year old adults.

The genius of this tweet is beyond explanation. So I will explain. The Gobots were a cheap knock-off of Transformers. But Hasbro later bought the Gobots and incorporated them into the Transformers universe.

The confusion comes about because they are ordered to attack the biggest city in China. Which is Hong Kong, apparently.

Reasonable physics I guess.

Sheesh, I tweeted a lot didn’t I? There’s still some more.

I was hoping it would be over very quickly, so I could say ‘it’s over’ in a vague allusion to Spaced.

It wasn’t.

That’s like getting a piggy back ride and saying ‘stop the human’.

Oh yeah, spoilers or whatever.

Not sure that joke worked.

I hate being meta.

It took 150 minutes and three previous Transformer movies for me to realise this. But then, I am a genius.

Accidentally reviewed the movie there.

I’m not.

7 Theme Tunes That Are Earworms

I’m too busy watching the world collapse to be able to write a proper post today.

(Note to future readers: Today’s the day Trump’s hair finally escaped from his head and declared war on tiny hands.)

So here are seven theme tunes that always stick in my craw for weeks after hearing them.

Terry & June

Steptoe & Son

(Just discovered that playing this while the news channel is on make everything seem so much better)

Birds Of A Feather

Casualty

The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy

The Daily Show

The West Wing

 

The Illuminati Are Leaving Secret Messages On Your Street

You’ve seen them. Those multi-coloured hieroglyphs spray-painted on the pavement and roads. You probably thought they pointed out where pipes and cables are, ready for when the digging begins, choosing to believe the blue ones mean water pipes, the red ones electrics, the yellow ones gas, the orange ones phone lines, and the green ones sewerage.

Well, you’re wrong.

Those symbols have a much more shocking meaning.

It’s how the New World Order and the Illuminati communicate with one another.

Because they can’t use phones, and they can’t use the Internet, because WE ARE ON TO THEM. The greatest secret conspirators in the whole of human history, THAT EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT. HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT.

Talking to one another by spraying paint on concrete.

Not to be confused of course, with graffiti artists. No, because these evil-doers have spray paint cans that can WORK UPSIDE DOWN.

So what do these super-secret, evil symbols mean?

Well, I’ll tell you, because I know.

These four white glyphs mean from top right to bottom left …

Secret meeting …. that way … the door is a bit stiff … we’ve got cheese.

Then there’s this one …

Which means that under the hatch is a tap that dispenses free Gin & Tonic.

Yeah that’s right. The Illuminati GET FREE DRINKS. While the rest of us sheeple have to pay for ours.

These four are perhaps the most insidious of all.

They mean, again from top right to bottom left …

Two dead bodies under here … Big Brother secret observation room under here … hee hee, don’t these ones look a bit like Rubik’s Cubes … log on to the super secret website to see the stats of everyone we have killed (smiley face).

Because those Illuminati Rat Bastards use emojis.

And finally there’s this one …

Which the local council would have you believe is where they’re about to put up a new lamp post. But no. It actually means …

WE CONTROL EVERYTHING HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.