Kwestjuns An Aansuhs

It’s Friday, and that means it’s time for me to answer the questions you’ve been sending me all week. First up is a query from Lizzie.

YOUR POSTS OFTEN SWING FROM INTERESTING EPHEMERA TO OUTRIGHT LIES. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHICH IS WHICH?

I helpfully tag anything that’s a pack of bovine fecal matter with the Lize category. To be honest, most of the time it should be obvious which is which, but that thing about tigers and sex is definitely true.

Next up, Percy has this to ask:

HOW DO YOU TAKE YOUR COFFEE?

Because I work from home, it’s important to treat the writing as an office job, otherwise one can get distracted by Twitter, YouTube, or self-abuse. So, I actually have an urn, constantly keeping my coffee water at a steady 98 degrees temperature. It doesn’t have an old-fashioned tap spout at the bottom, or a 1950s tea lady with a pink head scarf and a fag hanging out of her mouth though. It’s all digital with beeping buttons. It’s looks like one of R2-D2’s distant ancestors. Or C3-P0’s G-spot.

THE BOWLS YOU MAKE ARE NICE, begins Edmund, I WAS WONDERING HOW YOU MAKE THEM.

That’s not technically a question is it Edmund? It’s a statement of your thought process with an implied query within, but it’s NOT a question. I mean, come on people. This is clearly labelled as a Question and Answer post, and the concept is universal and simple. You, like the Stotts, ask the questions, and I, like Damon Hill trapped in the headlights, try and answer them, but if you can’t be arsed to even structure a proper enquiry, then well, frankly, fuck the lot of you in the neck. Especially you Edmund.

And finally, let’s hope this is actually a fucking question from someone calling themselves simply S:

I LIKE YOUR SITE.

Fuuuuuuuuck offffffffff you nauseating twatwagon. I hope your face melts off as demons from the Ark attack you for daring to interrupt their slumber. I hope your balls shrivel up and drop off, and that someone steps on them thinking they are dried up peas, but that you can still feel the nerve endings and the pain is so immense that you grow another pair of testicles out of your gaping anus.

Thanks for all your questions this week, it was fun answering them. If you want to ask me something, just fuck off.

Innie Or Outie?

A few years ago, I used to air my politics online, but I came to the realisation that being political on the internet was like an old man screaming at traffic, or like shouting into an echo chamber. I doubt I ever changed anyone’s mind or opinion or trousers by writing long polemics and then engaging in the ‘debate’ in the comments. And since I decided to be apolitical in my cyber life, I’ve enjoyed social media a lot more.

But … there’s always a but.

I can’t bite my tongue any more.

It’s time I went on a bent about this whole in or out question that’s been raging ever since forever.

There’s a valid left wing argument for being out, and it’s often overlooked because the out argument is inextricably tied up in accusations of bigotry, stupidity, and self-interest. And yes, there’s a valid right wing argument for being in too.

The trouble is, I don’t want to live in Donald Trump’s hair*.

I’m sure it’s nice and all, what with the fluffy weave, the great big brain it sits on and it is a big brain. It’s the best brain, it went to all like the big colleges, scholars say it’s the greatest brain.

But what if I want to cross the hairline and see other parts of the scalp? Well, that’s going to be impossible because of the wall he’s going to build. Nobody builds better follicle barriers than him.

I strongly suspect too, that his golden mane extends backwards down his neck, cascading beautifully down his spine, until it reaches its roots, where it grows majestically out of his gold plated ass crack. There’s probably a 7-11 in there somewhere too.

What if I get lost, take a wrong turn and end up looking at his disappointingly short Trump Tower?

No. No thanks. I’m Out.

*Yeah, this was an excuse for an unimaginative ad hominen insult.

You Won’t Believe You Read This

My brain is blanking on ideas for a post today. I could do one about boardgames that I’ve played recently and really liked, but it would be quicker to just say New York 1901, Baseball Highlights 2045, Quadropolis, and Viticulture.

I also considered doing another secret history of a big name company, but when one Google’s things about companies with secret histories, you bump up against all kinds of Illuminati bullshit.

So instead I Googled the term ‘good blog post ideas’ and everyone seems to agree that people like lists.

Here then, is a list of all the things on my desk, in no particular order.

  • A red USB stick (contents unknown)
  • A honey dipper I made on the lathe
  • A jar of Tiger sperm
  • An Amazon Prime 30-Day Free Trial Card
  • A coprolite
  • Shergar’s horseshoe
  • A Samson CO1U
  • Apollo 13 (the movie)
  • Apollo 13 (the actual rocket)
  • A key to a car I wrote off ten years ago
  • An old sugar pot
  • The original Gnostic Gospels
  • A Nokia Xpress Music (dead)
  • A key to a car I scrapped eight years ago
  • The Joy Of Sex (pop up edition (sponsored by Viagra))
  • A small spirit level
  • Dust
  • Roger Explosion

 

 

How To Have Sex

What you will need in order to have sex.

  • A consenting partner of legal age
  • Your agreed contraception of choice
  • A tiger

Step One: Choosing Where To Have Sex

While it’s true that sex can be practised in many locations, ranging from the back seat of a Ford Capri, to a small cupboard in Slough, most people agree that the best sex can only really happen in the bedroom. With a tiger handler present.

Step Two: Foreplay

Some people like to begin to have sex by kissing one another on the agreed upon lips. This isn’t by all means the only way to begin having sex of course, and you shouldn’t be embarrassed or ashamed if you prefer to begin having sex by watching an episode of Extras, or by going orienteering in the Maldives, or even by tugging at your collar in order to let the heat out.

Let foreplay unfold in a natural, spontaneous manner. Do not write a to do list beforehand and tick off each item as you progress (unless of course, that’s your bag). Some other things, other than kissing, that you might like try include:

  • Not kissing
  • Talking about the weather
  • Shaving one another’s back

Step Three: Preparing To Have Sex

The time will come when both consenting partners are ready to have sex. This is a crucial moment, and there are numerous YouTube videos instructing you on the proper way to prepare for having sex. Don’t be alarmed. Take things slowly, and make sure you have made all the correct arrangements.

When you are both ready, lie down next to one another, on your backs, staring straight up at the ceiling, and with your arms locked by your sides.

Then call for the tiger handler.

Wait patiently whilst your chosen tiger handler lays pieces of thinly cut ham all over your bodies, taking care to cover every inch of skin in the process.

It is very important that you do not speak to your chosen tiger handler during this delicate procedure, as any conversation can spoil the ham.

When the process is complete, your chosen tiger handler will leave the room.

If you have elected to use a condom, now is the time to remember to eat it.

Step Four: Having Sex

When you are both comfortably settled, and the ham has reached room temperature, the door will open, and the tiger will be released into the room.

If you have decided to have sex on the back seat of the night bus, the tiger may be drunk.

DO NOT INSULT THE TIGER

Gentle cooing sounds are best, or that clicking noise you use to call a cat for dinner. It’s also polite to compliment the tiger on his whiskers. Do not, under any circumstances, tease the tiger or make any sudden movements that may alarm it. Also, don’t fart. That’s just rude.

How the sex unfolds from here is entirely up to the tiger.