The Horrifying Truth About Pie

Caveat: The idea for this came to me when I was half asleep, and bounced around my head in a dozed state for several hours at dawn this morning.

We’re at a pie eating contest.

Two men who shovel food into their mouths at a high rate of knots consider themselves to be athletes. A large crowd has gathered to watch these two put on a show of mutual mastication.

But spare a thought for the pies.

Because a recent study has found that pies feel pain.

If you listen carefully, amongst all the chewing, slurping, grinding, and farting, using precision audio equipment, you can hear a steak and kidney pie screaming as it’s eaten. Pork pies have been recorded pleading for their lives in an obscure ancient dialect, while Chicken pies are known for their foul language.

It gets more horrifying though.

Pies have long been known to share a giant neural network, able to communicate via low level radio waves, and constantly broadcasting their whereabouts and status to one another. Long thought to be a frivolity, scientists are now claiming this ‘social network’ is intended as an evidence gathering mechanism. Pies are now taking photos of their eaters and posting them online, in the vague hope that one day, those people will face justice.

So, next time you’re about to bite into a Ginsters, remember, pies have feelings too.


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