Correlation Is Causation

Thanks to an app that tracks my food intake and whatnot, I’ve discovered that I’m somewhat allergic to bell peppers. This is good to know, and made me want to learn what else is bad for me. So I designed myself an app to track everything I do, and scale my emotional well-being and log any visceral reactions to anything that I might encounter throughout the day.

The results are fascinating, and surprising.

I always thought that Donald Trump made me confused and scared, and stirred up the bile in my stomach, but it turns out it’s not him that does this – it’s the lower third graphics of news channels. Whenever I see a scrolling headline, I get dizzy, nauseous, and fearful. So I’ll be avoiding the lower third of all news channels from now on with the aid of a simple piece of black card.

I’ve always been short. Or so it seemed anyway. Now, thanks to my app, I’ve discovered that my growth has been stunted on an almost daily basis by the simple wearing of clothes. Ever since I’ve been sheathing myself in cloth, I have been below average height. So, no more clothes for me.

Then there’s this cough I’ve had since my bout of killer tonsillitis in November. Can’t shake the damn thing, and I thought that moving between different temperatures exacerbated the problem. But no. It’s breathing. Not sure what I can do about that one though.

Over the past six months, I’ve gradually, and slowly, lost a bit of weight. This seemed to correspond with my decision to stop eating bread, but thanks to the expert analysis of the app, my weight loss is actually due to not wearing clothes anymore.

And like all people, I seem to be getting more stupid and ill-informed as the years pass by. Not age, according to the app. It’s because I’ve blocked one third of the news from my life.

But perhaps the biggest change that’s happened to me since using the app, is that I now seem to do nothing except sit in a chair and fill in the various fields of the app database, telling it how I’m feeling and what it is I’m doing every passing minute of the day. According to the app, I am now an app.

The future is here. And the future is bleak.

And naked.

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