simon dunn: scriptwriter & comedian

Why is everyone assuming that it’s the Liberal Democrats who will hold the balance of power in a hung parliament?

The Lib Dems choice clearly rests on how much electoral reform they can wrestle from any deal – so the presumption is that they will host a bidding war between Labour and the Conservatives. Thus the consensus is that we have seen the death of first past the post system.

The Tories have little to gain from a coalition, and a lot to lose. With a truly three-party system based on Proportional Representation, the Tories may not see power again for a generation – unless it’s they who offer up the most concessions.

I’ve read a few thoughts that the natural outcome of a Lab-Lib coalition is the bringing together of the centre left movement, while some people argue a Con-Lib coalition would see the end of Labour all together. It’s a good story to tell, and I can see why the media is so fascinated by it.

Hung or Hanged?

There are voices within Labour that like the idea of uniting the two centre-left parties, not least Mandelson and Johnson, the former of whom would see it as the culmination of a project begun with the wooing of Paddy Ashdown.

But all this assumes that it will be a coalition involving Nick Clegg’s band of MPs.

If both the Tories and Labour have much more to gain from keeping the current electoral system, which they clearly do – why wouldn’t the two main parties join together and form a majority Government?

A Labour-Conservative coalition gives them both what they need – survival. Any coalition with the Lib Dems does not.

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In part one, all Cleggy wanted was to go the distance in the debates. But as part two looms and his stock has risen, he now wants to win.

His best moment in the first debate was a real piece of honesty:

“Ah come on, Britain, it’s true. I was nobody. But that don’t matter either, you know? ‘Cause I was thinkin’, it really don’t matter if I lose this election. It really don’t matter if these guys open my head, either. ‘Cause all I wanna do is go the distance. Nobody’s ever gone the distance, and if I can go that distance, you see, and that bell rings and I’m still standin’, I’m gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I weren’t just another bum from the neighbourhood. “

But now he’s headed for a rematch, his advisors are promising that Cleggy is going to eat lightning and crap thunder.

Cleggy, Cleggy, Cleggy, Cleggy

Vince Cable says, “These guys just don’t want to win now. They wants to bury him, they wants to humiliate him, they wants to prove to the whole world that he was nothing but some kind of a… a freak the first time out. Theys gonna kill him till he’s dead.”

He added, “They’re dinosaurs, but they can inflict a variety of damage.”

A defiant Cleggy blasted, “It ain’t about how hard ya vote. It’s about how hard you can get votes and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!”

Cleggy plans to run up a large flight of steps before the debate on Thursday in an effort to stretch a bad Rocky analogy to breaking point.

Everyone loves an underdog story.

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