There must be a word for it. I expect the Germans have one, they always do. What’s that thing called when you have a good retort to something that happened yesterday? And no, it’s not ‘annoying’. Maybe I should take Prince George’s lead, he is after all as clever as a stick in a bucket of pig swill:
“Why, only the other day Prime Minister Pitt called me an idle scrounger. It wasn’t until ages later that I thought how clever it could have been to have said, “Oh bugger off, you old fart!”
The conversation had turned to the question of legalising drugs. To be honest, I was playing the devil’s advocate because I’m not entirely sure where I stand on the matter, but inevitably everything I was saying was right. I mean, it had to be, it was an argument born out of watching The Wire. If Omar Little had voiced my points, he’d have won hands down. True that.
Anyway, my friend said that if all drugs were legalised, there would be an epidemic because everyone would try them. “I mean look at cigarettes and alcohol,” she continued, “They’re freely available and we’ve all used them.”
Annoyingly, I didn’t have a response to this, but felt that it was inherently wrong, so all I could do was roll my eyes. This was a flawed tactic on two levels; one, because it looks stupid, and two, it was pitch black and no-one could see me.
But I had my oh bugger off you old fart moment the next morning as I wandered through Membury services. It was just after that twunt munch Nokia shop assistant tried to appease me by doing a comparethemeerkat impression and I was resisting the urge to vomit on his shoes (hmm, maybe I’m turning into Patrick Bateman).
“Hang on,” I thought, “Val Doonican records are freely available for everyone to buy, and we’re not dealing with a be-sweatered crooner pandemic.”
So yeah. Take that.