Budget Cuts

The man was waffling on about deficit reduction, and gross domestic product, but everyone was tuned in waiting to hear one thing, and one thing only.

“When will he get to the tax cuts?” someone in the room asked.

Everyone just shuffled uneasily. No-one liked to admit this was the only thing they were interested in, and so the question remained unanswered.

It was another ten minutes until he turned his page, and cleared his throat, before getting to it.

“Now, I know a few of you have been waiting for my announcement about the tax cuts,” he said with a shit-eating grin that prompted some knowing laughter in the chamber.

When the TV cameras cut to a wide shot, it was plain to everyone that all of the members on the Government benches were a good three foot taller than those sitting on the opposition ones.

A few people in the room darted quick glances at the higher ups, the minority of the group, gathered at the back, peering easily over the heads of their subordinates. No-one really knew when their society had adopted the height-based ‘meritocracy’, because it was so ingrained in their minds. Tall people were just better, it was agreed. Even when it wasn’t.

The six foot tall man on the TV continued.

“Anyone under five foot four should report immediately to their cut centres, and pay,” the pause he left for dramatic effects was appreciated by no-one. “A further three centimetres.”

Groans drifted around the room, and a few mumbles could be heard. Only the people at the back were smiling.

“Anyone over five foot eight, will not be taxed.”

A cheer went up around the chamber, and was echoed from the back of the room.

“It’s only fair,” said one of them, to the agreement of the others. “Short people can’t contribute to society the way tall people do. And it’s only another three centimetres.”

No-one commented that the short were getting shorter.

It wasn’t the done thing.

Anecdon’ts

Sometimes there’s just nothing to talk about. Sometimes, you can go days and days with plenty of things happening, thinking all the while that these events and stories would make great anecdotes. And sometimes, like, you know, always, nothing happens and you just have to tell short, pointless Anecdon’ts*.

Here’s a list of things that have happened to me this past week, some true, some not so true. See if you can spot which is which.

  • I punched Chris Hemsworth in the buttocks.
  • I fed the fish.
  • I watched an entire season of The Wire whilst eating nothing but cake.
  • I ignored Scarlett Johansson’s text. Again.
  • I was abducted by a creature from the Upside Down.
  • I water flossed my teeth.
  • I ate the fish.
  • I had to water floss my teeth again.
  • I caught the young Han Solo giving himself a Han Solo.
  • I realised some music at the Olympics sounded a lot like the Newsradio theme.
  • I realised that the numbers at the Olympics are written in a typeface that looks suspiciously like Comic Sans.
  • I took this photo.

  • I then tweeted that photo with the caption, ‘this air freshener smells like yoga farts’.
  • I made that noise you make to call a cat, but no cat came.
  • I caught the young Boba Fett giving himself a Boba Fett.
  • I realised that the tune stuck in my head for the past two months is the theme tune from the sitcom The Thin Blue Line.
  • My friend found a picture she drew of me eight years ago.

*© Sundays Supplement

Insta-Topical Reacto-Post

I have an opinion on current matters. It’s impossible for me not to have an opinion, and opinions always need airing in public forums, so this is a vehicle for the opinion to be expressed in a pithy/controversial/satirical/moderate/extreme manner.

The Opinion is sacrosanct. The Opinion is too big for a tweet, but The Opinion is not big enough for an entire book. And so The Opinion is here, and it is right and correct and worthy until the facts change and alter The Opinion. The Opinion will never be altered.

But more importantly, it is THE OPINION of me. And me type opinions are the ones that need most to be aired, expressed, shouted, bellowed, whispered, thought, or burped.

THE OPINION might make you angry, it might make you applaud, it might make you think, it might confirm everything you hold dear, or it might be counter to everything you think about everything. THE OPINION will never make you change your mind.

Ultimately though, THE OPINION is what’s important.

It is THE OPINION.

Ferris Bueller TV Series

Last night I watched Ferris Bueller’s Day Off for the first time in a long while, and it was fun doing so with the view that the whole thing is going on in Cameron’s head as he stays in bed.

I thought the worst thing that ever happened to Ferris Bueller was the Honda Superbowl Commercial, but I was wrong. It was this:

The NBC television series, from 1990, starring Charlie Schlatter and Jennifer Aniston, followed The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and rightly got lost under its shadow.

If you can get more than a minute past the opening titles, you’re a more patient person than I. Don’t. Watch. It.

It opens with crap Ferris addressing the camera, saying he can’t change his life because the movie put it up on the big screen … and then immediately sets itself up as a prequel to those events. Hmm.

But what’s worst is that it takes a vicious stab at the movie whose success and goodwill the series is trading off. That, I believe, is called a Dick Move.

Imagine if the TV series of Buffy, instead of opening with a genre-busting moment that set up the tone brilliantly for the coming show, had Sarah Michelle-Gellar telling us she thought the movie sucked, and then said some unpleasant things about Kristy Swanson, before slicing through her cardboard cut-out with a chainsaw.

That this abomination got past the script stage is amazing, and that it ran for 13 episodes is depressing.

... it's Cameron - Ferris is a sociopath.

One of them’s a righteous dude …