The Man Who Made A New Brain

I made a new brain. The old one was heckling me too much. Everything I did, everywhere I went, everything I said, it just sat there, in my skull, telling me I was a loser, telling me no-one liked me, telling me I stank, telling me I was being boring. Stupid gelatinous bastard.

It’s also really hard to make a new brain without your old one knowing what you’re up to.

I tried to keep it a secret by giving brain 1.0 something else to focus on. I’d flirt with the guy in the local shop, then rush home to draw up my plans, all the while my original brain would pick apart the whole encounter and report back to me in minute detail how everything I had said was pathetic, embarrassing, and downright cringeworthy.

This worked for a bit.

Then one day, after my brain had finished telling me my Father never loved me, it took stock of what I was doing and threw a strop.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had a brain strop, but it’s not nice. It threw a temper tantrum, and started making me slap myself in the face, or headbutt the wall, or threaten myself with the nutcrackers.

And every time I went to work on brain 2.0, it would find more insidious and evil ways to try and stop me. I managed to focus though, and within the year, my new brain was ready to go.

I decided to give it a test run, before installing it.

It powered up nicely, took stock of its environs and let me know it was content to be my new brain. It even told me how nice I was looking, even as my old brain reminded me I was a useless cloud of farts.

The trick was going to be installing the new brain. I couldn’t exactly uninstall the old one before putting in the new one, that would have left me slumped in the workshop, slowly rotting.

So they had to coexist for a few days while everything settled.

This just angered old brain even more, and it spent forty eight hours dedicated to a skull splitting headache. It was made more bearable by the gentle, soothing cooing of new brain, telling me it was going to be okay, that it was all worth it, because soon I would be free.

The time came, and old brain was removed and thrown in the bin.

I needed sleep after that, and I slept for nearly twenty four hours. When I awoke, I was refreshed, invigorated and ready to face the world and whatever it threw at me.

I looked at myself in the mirror, a broad smile on my face, and wished my new, wonderful brain, a heart-felt good morning.

It sighed and said “piss off you fat lump of fuck.”

Gary Waters/Getty Images/Ikon Images
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