Category: Writing

  • No Strings Attached
    No Strings Attached

    They’re not really strings. More like tensile wires. No, no, they don’t hurt. Well, they do a bit, but it’s more like a constant annoyance than a sharp pain. It’s not like when I used to have that stick up my arse. It’s kind of a long story, a bit like the man with a […]

  • The Monorchism Conundrum
    The Monorchism Conundrum

    ‘Hitler,’ we sang with glee. ‘Has only got one ball.’ ‘The other,’ we chortled. ‘Is in the Albert Hall.’ It’s no wonder Adolf was a little peeved at us, and threw a bomb-based temper tantrum. We’d stolen his testicle, and ensconced it in a national monument. You’d be annoyed. I’d be irate. Some threads shouldn’t […]

  • The Crony
    The Crony

    “What the hell is this?” It was the bellowed question that I’d been fearing, and even then I was surprised at the anger laced through it. “That’s the um,” I swallowed. My mouth was dry. “The extension.” “I’ve been away three months, and I come back to this.” There wasn’t a question there this time, […]

  • Something Strange Is Afoot At The Supermarket
    Something Strange Is Afoot At The Supermarket

    I had an odd feeling whilst shopping earlier. And not that usual insistent urge to scratch your anus whilst looking at bacon in the supermarket. I self-scan while I shop, mostly because I welcome our robot overlords, and I’m a terrible person. But as I was beeping away with the little hand-held R2 unit, I […]

  • The Unifying Theory Of Everything
    The Unifying Theory Of Everything

    Heklenberg checked her maths one more time. It took a few hours, but by the time she had reached the end, she was more sure now than she’d ever been. The realisation made her dizzy, and she reached for something tanglible, something solid, something … normal. The wood of the desk against the flat of […]

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  • Proctology: A Bottom Examination
    Proctology: A Bottom Examination

    For a long time now I’ve been wanting to write an old-fashioned programme guide. One you can hold in your hand and thumb through, make notes on, spill coffee on. So I did. Proctology: A Bottom Examination is my deep dive into Bottom, the hit BBC Two sitcom starring Rik Mayall and Adrian Edmondson. That’s […]

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  • Re-Casting Keanu
    Re-Casting Keanu

    Keanu Reeves is 56. That makes him eight years older than Clive Dunn was when he was first cast in Dad’s Army. But don’t panic, Clive Dunn was always playing much older characters than his own age. Keanu Reeves is 56. That makes him seven years older than Stephanie Cole was when she was first […]

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