How To Have Sex

What you will need in order to have sex.

  • A consenting partner of legal age
  • Your agreed contraception of choice
  • A tiger

Step One: Choosing Where To Have Sex

While it’s true that sex can be practised in many locations, ranging from the back seat of a Ford Capri, to a small cupboard in Slough, most people agree that the best sex can only really happen in the bedroom. With a tiger handler present.

Step Two: Foreplay

Some people like to begin to have sex by kissing one another on the agreed upon lips. This isn’t by all means the only way to begin having sex of course, and you shouldn’t be embarrassed or ashamed if you prefer to begin having sex by watching an episode of Extras, or by going orienteering in the Maldives, or even by tugging at your collar in order to let the heat out.

Let foreplay unfold in a natural, spontaneous manner. Do not write a to do list beforehand and tick off each item as you progress (unless of course, that’s your bag). Some other things, other than kissing, that you might like to try include:

  • Not kissing
  • Talking about the weather
  • Shaving one another’s back

Step Three: Preparing To Have Sex

The time will come when both consenting partners are ready to have sex. This is a crucial moment, and there are numerous YouTube videos instructing you on the proper way to prepare for having sex. Don’t be alarmed. Take things slowly, and make sure you have made all the correct arrangements.

When you are both ready, lie down next to one another, on your backs, staring straight up at the ceiling, and with your arms locked by your sides.

Then call for the tiger handler.

Wait patiently whilst your chosen tiger handler lays pieces of thinly cut ham all over your bodies, taking care to cover every inch of skin in the process.

It is very important that you do not speak to your chosen tiger handler during this delicate procedure, as any conversation can spoil the ham.

When the process is complete, your chosen tiger handler will leave the room.

If you have elected to use a condom, now is the time to remember to eat it.

Step Four: Having Sex

When you are both comfortably settled, and the ham has reached room temperature, the door will open, and the tiger will be released into the room.

If you have decided to have sex on the back seat of the night bus, the tiger may be drunk.


Gentle cooing sounds are best, or that clicking noise you use to call a cat for dinner. It’s also polite to compliment the tiger on his whiskers. Do not, under any circumstances, tease the tiger or make any sudden movements that may alarm it. Also, don’t fart. That’s just rude.

How the sex unfolds from here is entirely up to the tiger.

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