If you missed this evening’s prime time special of Question Time, let me give you a flavour of how it went down.
The extravaganza began as it meant to go on, with an elaborate musical number featuring 646 dancing girls, each representing a Member of Parliament. As the dancers gyrated, the camera swooped by them, showing off their elaborate costumes, each one a symbol for bogus expense claims. At one end, we were treated to “The Moat”, an amazing piece of headgear featuring a castle made of money, surrounded by a moat filled with the tears of honest constituents. At the other end, a duck island coiffed into a dancer’s bush.
As the smoke cleared from the set, Dimbleby appeared from the rafters, wearing a halo made of sanctimony, lowering himself into the middle seat while a greek chorus whaled in shrill scandal.
At this point, a child died of outrage.
Four year old Kylie collapsed having just heard the news that an MP had claimed money for a third testicle. That MP was a woman.
Then came the shits. The audience bayed as the MP chain gang was lead out, and forced to sit on spikes behind the new Question Time desk – a desk sculpted from ice in the shape of the word TRUST, which slowly melted throughout the evening to reveal the embalmed corpse of The Speaker.
Ben Bradshaw was forced to write out his expense claims using his own blood, scrawling it across the arse of an electorate.
Then the audience ate William Hague.
And every time Martin Bell opened his mouth to speak, shit came out.
By now the baying crowd had formed in to two distinct factions. On the left hand side, they had arranged themselves into the shape of Joanna Lumley, and began radiating quiet, steely beauty. On the right, they staged their own wicker General Election.
From her spike, a journalist actually burst with anger, splattering the UKIP candidate with her bowels. This happened just moments after she accused the MPs of a failure to break this story sooner.
And Vince Cable declared that second home flipping should be a hanging offence.
Unfortunately, those last two sentences are not a joke.