Thought Vomit #91: ft. My New Diet

In my continued to quest to lose weight, I decided it was time to head to a spiritual nutritionist. Not one of these wacko plop-obsessives like McKeith, or anyone with a fancy schmancy so-called science degree, but a good old fashioned expert borne from the school of life.

A string of advisors have tried to convince me that a simple balanced diet and regular exercise is enough to rid me of my man baps, but where’s the fun in not eating bread and going for a run. No. I want my advice to be something I want to hear, and something that doesn’t deprive or put me out in any way whatsoever.

I’ve tried my five a day too, but there’s only so much salad you can eat that isn’t sandwiched in a Whopper. And I abandoned the whole pursuit when I learnt that cake doesn’t count as a fruit or veg.

Lucky then that I found a website that seemed to answer my desire to lose weight without changing my lifestyle. It’s called www.imaginaryfoods.com – it’s free and it promises my money back if I am not entirely happy with the outcome. Result.

The gurus on the website say that there is a mysterious and unknown food group called the Imaginary Group. Neither fruit, nor veg, dairy nor meat, it is in fact a special type that contains everything a growing lad needs. And the more you eat, the more weight you lose. Plus, imaginary food is great for the brain.

Now, before I’m accused of peddling a kookie cure, imaginary food isn’t just something that’s been pulled out of thin air, there’s a lot of science and research to back it up. I imagine.

The blog on the site suggests that you try and remember your childhood, or a time when you were thin and active, and attempt to emulate your diet from that time.

Well, all I really remember of my formative years is my penchant for the TV show The Wombles. So, I headed to Wimbledon Common with nothing but a spade, and began digging it up in search of the eco-rodents. I didn’t find much, so I tweeted @bernardCribbens and it turns out the best way to entice them out is with litter.

The trap was set, and within an hour I was spit roasting Madame Cholet, whilst chewing on some Orinocco meat.

I can’t say that I’ve noticed much weight lost, but Womble burgers sure are tasty. You can buy them at any good supermarket too.

Sign up for my FREE newsletter

Copy link
Powered by Social Snap