Thought Vomit #91: ft. My New Diet

In my continued to quest to lose weight, I decided it was time to head to a spiritual nutritionist. Not one of these wacko plop-obsessives like McKeith, or anyone with a fancy schmancy so-called science degree, but a good old fashioned expert borne from the school of life.

A string of advisors have tried to convince me that a simple balanced diet and regular exercise is enough to rid me of my man baps, but where’s the fun in not eating bread and going for a run. No. I want my advice to be something I want to hear, and something that doesn’t deprive or put me out in any way whatsoever.

I’ve tried my five a day too, but there’s only so much salad you can eat that isn’t sandwiched in a Whopper. And I abandoned the whole pursuit when I learnt that cake doesn’t count as a fruit or veg.

Lucky then that I found a website that seemed to answer my desire to lose weight without changing my lifestyle. It’s called – it’s free and it promises my money back if I am not entirely happy with the outcome. Result.

The gurus on the website say that there is a mysterious and unknown food group called the Imaginary Group. Neither fruit, nor veg, dairy nor meat, it is in fact a special type that contains everything a growing lad needs. And the more you eat, the more weight you lose. Plus, imaginary food is great for the brain.

Now, before I’m accused of peddling a kookie cure, imaginary food isn’t just something that’s been pulled out of thin air, there’s a lot of science and research to back it up. I imagine.

The blog on the site suggests that you try and remember your childhood, or a time when you were thin and active, and attempt to emulate your diet from that time.

Well, all I really remember of my formative years is my penchant for the TV show The Wombles. So, I headed to Wimbledon Common with nothing but a spade, and began digging it up in search of the eco-rodents. I didn’t find much, so I tweeted @bernardCribbens and it turns out the best way to entice them out is with litter.

The trap was set, and within an hour I was spit roasting Madame Cholet, whilst chewing on some Orinocco meat.

I can’t say that I’ve noticed much weight lost, but Womble burgers sure are tasty. You can buy them at any good supermarket too.

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