A Hot Take On *Insert Current Topic*

There’s a thing these days, that all the cool kids are doing, and it’s called a Hot Take. These can be quickly written pieces about anything from the latest episode of Line Of Thrones, to political developments, like the firing of CIA Director Mel Tormé.

I guess the trouble with a hot take is that one runs the risk of getting your fingers burnt.

That was a joke.

I sometimes write them in the heat of the moment and immediately regret them. The amount of tweets that I compose and never actually send would make your Granny blush.

The trick with a hot take is to be quick with it. Which suggests to me at least, that hot is probably the wrong descriptor of the take. A Fast Take might be better.

And it’s not quite a take really is it?

It’s more like putting something down for everyone to see, the way a cat will bring you a dead bird, or a douchebag will send you a photo of his junk. Less of a take, more of a show really.

So, here’s my Fast Show on the current topic that’s gripping the world.

Some Impressions For You

Well, I did it. I say down exactly a year ago today and made a vow to myself that I would write something on this website every day, no matter what. And I succeeded for a whole year. I’m pretty proud of that. Now for another year.

To celebrate, I will now share with you something I’ve never shared with anyone before.

I’m really good at impressions.

So, here are some impressions for you.

First up, an easy, recognisable one. It’s Al Pacino, from the film The Devil’s Advocate.

“INVIGORATING!”

And from the same movie, this is Keanu Reeves.

“Woah!”

Not bad, I’m sure you’ll agree, but those two are easy starters. There seems to be a stable of people that all impressionists do, probably because the voices are so recognisable. You don’t hear impressions of people like David Duchovny though. So, here’s my David Duchovny.

“I’m David Duchovny.”

It’s subtle, so like all good impressionists, I tell you who the impression if of as I’m doing the impression. That way, you know who it is, and it doesn’t have to be all that good.

This one is a bit more esoteric. It’s an impression of a traffic light.

“STOP! … Not yeeeet. GO!”

 

New Study Says Your Exact Lifestyle Is Best For You

With so many scientific studies kicking about, all telling you contradictory things about how to live your life, it can get bewildering and somewhat confusing. Is a glass of wine a day good for you, or is it bad for you? How much exercise should you be doing without overdoing it? Are you getting a healthy amount of sex?

Well, according to a new study, published in this month’s Journal Of Confirmation Biases, scientists now claim that everything you are currently doing is just about right.

The study goes on to say that if you do anywhere from zero to lots of exercise a week, that’s probably just about the right amount. If you’re drinking no alcohol, or a barrel of alcohol a day, and anywhere in between, that’s probably just about right. And if you’re having no sex, that’s probably just about right, unless you’re having far too much sex, in which case, that’s probably just about right.

So, there’s no need to go round hunting for the studies that prove the way you live your life is the best way to live your life anymore, because now there’s one consolidated study that does that for you.

You might also like the article All Scientific Studies Are Bogus Unless They Confirm Your Own Feelings.

The Horrifying Truth About Pie

Caveat: The idea for this came to me when I was half asleep, and bounced around my head in a dozed state for several hours at dawn this morning.

We’re at a pie eating contest.

Two men who shovel food into their mouths at a high rate of knots consider themselves to be athletes. A large crowd has gathered to watch these two put on a show of mutual mastication.

But spare a thought for the pies.

Because a recent study has found that pies feel pain.

If you listen carefully, amongst all the chewing, slurping, grinding, and farting, using precision audio equipment, you can hear a steak and kidney pie screaming as it’s eaten. Pork pies have been recorded pleading for their lives in an obscure ancient dialect, while Chicken pies are known for their foul language.

It gets more horrifying though.

Pies have long been known to share a giant neural network, able to communicate via low level radio waves, and constantly broadcasting their whereabouts and status to one another. Long thought to be a frivolity, scientists are now claiming this ‘social network’ is intended as an evidence gathering mechanism. Pies are now taking photos of their eaters and posting them online, in the vague hope that one day, those people will face justice.

So, next time you’re about to bite into a Ginsters, remember, pies have feelings too.

 

7 Ways To Feel Amazing

There’s a little known Nordic practice called Bawlchit. By applying simple stroking motions to various parts of your own body, you can create an amazing sensation that will put a smile on your face. Here are my seven favourite ways to feel amazing.

The Tunnock

The first discipline I ever learned in Bawlchit is called The Tunnock. By applying a gentle pressure to the left temple with the tip of your right little finger, you stimulate and cross wire several energy centres. And the feeling is, well, amazing. It feels just like that moment when you first bite into a Tunnocks Teacake. You even hear the little crack of the chocolate shell.

Bubbles

A more advanced version of The Tunnock adds pressure to the right temple using the tip of your left index finger, and creates a sensation like you’re walking on a carpet made entirely of bubble wrap.

Shade And Frayed

If you flick your left incisor with the nail of your right index finger, you’ll get a strong feeling that’s hard to describe. It’s like, well, it’s like finding out a person you know and dislike, but who everyone else seems to think is a great person, has just been arrested for something despicable. Ancient lore teaches that with enough practice, this manoeuvre can actually bring about the arrest of your nemesis, though no empirical evidence exists to support this claim.

Carridge Return

If you slap your cheek as hard as you can, in just the right spot, it will feel just like that moment on an old typewriter where you smack the handle and bring the carriage back to the home position. Slap with enough force, and you’ll even hear a little bell ringing.

Poke And Fiddle

You know that lovely feeling of fiddling with a stack of really good quality Poker chips? The way you can riffle them, and tease them, and click and clack them? Well, with Bawlchit, you can recreate that amazing feeling any time you like, simply by easing any fingertip under your right eyelid and stroking the horizon of your eyeball. Works best with sand added.

Dett Relief

Imagine being financially independent. Imagine never needing to worry about money ever again. Imagine having a drawer that was always full of cash, no matter how much you removed from it. Imagine just how much of a weight off your shoulders that would be. An advanced technique this one, that involves pushing one finger in one ear, so deep that it pokes out of the other ear. Don’t leave it there though, because you have to wiggle the finger for at least an hour before you remove it.

Msagro

If you stimulate your genitals enough, pleasant sensations can be had.