7 Disturbing Facts About Bread

Since I gave up bread, I feel better for it, and because I didn’t replace it with other food stuffs, I’ve lost more weight than I care to admit. But the reason I gave up bread wasn’t because of these seven spurious, possibly false facts.

Bread Is Made Of Old Books

It’s frightening just what goes into the modern loaf, but did you know, the most active ingredient in bread is second hand books? It’s mainly celebrity biographies that have been shredded that end up in your split tin. And the clue is right in front of your nose. B-Read.

Bread Causes Ennui

Ever had that feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction after eating a whole baguette? That’s no coincidence. An additive in most modern bread, called Maydupp 7, is known to cause slight boredom, and if eaten in the right quantities, can even cause sighing.

Bread Is Dangerous

Bread is so dangerous that it has to be kept in air tight bags and stacked on shelves for its own safety. Were it not for this precaution, bread would run amok in the streets, fouling the public highways, and tickling old women under their hats.

In case you don’t know what bread looks like …

Bread Is Responsible For Everything Bad That Happened Ever

All the evil things in the world, done by all the evil people, chances are, those evil people ate bread at some point in their lives. Coincidence? Hitler? Ate bread. Stalin? Ate bread. Ally McCoist? Ate bread. Case closed.

MacDonald’s Uses Bread In Its Food

Yeah. Can you believe it? In spite of everything we know about bread, MacDonald’s still use it in their burgers and coatings. I mean, come on. Wake up people.

Bread Was Originally Invented For Good

The original inventor of bread, a Dr Albous Winkletoss, originally wanted his new invention to be used for peaceful purposes, and not to fuel tank drivers, and bomber pilots. He envisioned a world made of bread based goods, making housing cheaper for everyone. Witches scuppered that idea though.

Not Eating Bread Turns You Into A Fantasist

Anyone who gives up bread immediately becomes a liar, and makes up all sorts of lies about bread, and the evils of bread.

Anyway, I’ve given up eating this sitcom.

Yeah, I went there.

Anyway, here’s Ridley Scott’s famous 1973 commercial for Hovis.

If you like spoofs and parodies, you might like my book Rotten Apple.

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