We all want a quick fix. We all need to feel that life can be changed, moulded, bent to our will, and forced into submission. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s perfectly healthy to think that life can be made better with a simple, quick fix that costs nothing emotionally, even if it costs a financial fortune. So here are five apps that have changed my life, one way or another, for the better.
Free. iOS, Android, Windows
It doesn’t look like much when you first open this app, but ChangeUrLifr really changed my life. You’re presented with a photograph of a brick wall, and the more you smash your head against it, the more experience points you gain. Each time you level up, the wall will be just that little bit thicker, and you can go online and compete against your friends to see who will be the first person to achieve nothing.
How it changed my life … I have a bruised forehead.
$99, iOS, Android, Symbian
This always on camera app will record your life in intimate, invasive detail, in six second chunks. Then, whenever your brain makes you do it, you can select a clip at random and replay it on a constant loop, analysing it from every angle, delving into every excruciating moment, and reliving it over and over and over again until you want to curl up into a ball and hurl yourself down a bowling alley.
How it changed my life … I now know exactly what I should have said in any given situation.
Free with In App Purchases, iOS, Android, DOS
This app has two modes. The first mode is the Shaker Maker, where you grab your phone and vigourously pump it up and down in an effort to make your little man reach the end before the time runs out, and he dies. Herein lies the ‘secs’ from the app name. Set a predetermined interval and start going at it. The second mode, the Button Basher, presents the user with a button which must be agitated with a finger.
But the really clever thing about this app is that it uses the front facing camera to take a selfie of the player at the moment of the game’s conclusion. Then, when you are finished, it pops up the selfie, with words added to your forehead; words like Loathing, or Empty. You can choose whether or not to share this photo on social media, and the app will ignore what you say and post it anyway.
How it changed my life … I can now share every one of my little deaths with my friends.
$0.99, iOS, Android, Marvin
Another camera app this one, and it’s a doozy. Filming through a reddish, pink filter, it lets you re-watch those moments in your life and remember them fondly, whether it was pleasant at the time or not. So far, so meh, right?
Where this one comes into it’s own is the Live feature.
Hold up the screen and point it at your boss, and it will show them in their real light. If she’s a weasel, you will see it. If he’s a devil, you will see his horns. And later, it will soothe you to sleep with repeated mantras like, “that place would fall apart without you” or “if you were the boss, things would really change”.
How it changed my life … it takes the bleak, existential edge off of watching Six Seconds clips.
Free, iOS, Android, IBM
A messenger app that decodes messages for you. Write a missive to your boyfriend and wait for his reply. When it arrives, simply click the translate button to reveal all the hidden meaning in said missive. It works with your boss, your mother, your best friend, and future upgrades promise translations for people you fancy, and people you secretly hate.
How it changed my life … I no longer have any friends, making social media a much more pleasant place to spend my time.