Friday Kwestjuns

It seems like Friday has turned into the weekly Ask Me Shit slot, wherein REAL people, ask me REAL questions, and I give REAL answers. We’re keeping it REAL here, like in Sociedad or Juventus.

Warning: That was a football joke.

First up, Daisy has this to ask:

How often do you write the word ‘penis’?

Well, I just wrote it then of course, what with the whole practice of transcription. But over on Facebook, on a comment thread beneath a post where I asked people to guess the movie I was watching (it was Paycheck), it descended into a list of movies with one word replaced by the word ‘penis’. In that thread alone, I wrote the word ‘penis’ 37 times. And so far, just in this post, I have written the word ‘penis’ four times. So that makes this week’s penis count 42. Which seems like a perfect number to me. I shan’t write the word again now.

Next up, Mike wandered on by and whispered this query in my lughole.

I hear you make trolls. Is that true?

This one has put me in moral quandary. Maybe he misheard, and he actually was told I make bowls. Which I do. Out of wood. Here’s one.

Or maybe he knows my deep, dark secret. Maybe he knows I sneak out at night, when the whole world is sleeping, and go to a motorway bridge, where I inseminate a troll queen, who then gives birth to dozens of trolls at once, each one birthed fully formed and sat at a keyboard ready to spit bile onto the Internet. People don’t know, but the internet needs that bile. That bile is what fuels it.

And Tim wanted to know:

Why don’t you make YouTube videos?

Make them do what? I think his message may have been cut off at the end. But in case it wasn’t, I guess I should answer it anyway. Why don’t I make YouTube videos? Hmm. Probably because I am a lazy, sedentary, procrastinating, fat lump of foul fuck. I’m not here for your amusement Tim. I’m not here to squeeze out the next bit of fluffy ephemera for you to use as a distraction from the existential nightmare of modern adult life. I’ve got better things to do. Like eat Tunnock’s tea cakes. So get on your twatwagon Tim, and shit on.

Finally Marsha asks:

Have you ever watched Spaced?

No.

 

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