I’ve had a few ideas about how to make the world a much better place. I may even use them as a manifesto to stand for election. And that brings me to my first idea. MPs should have their title abbreviated, and simply be known as a member.
This should dilute the popular uprising, and we can then solve the global warming problem by producing cars powered by outrage. This will take some sacrifice however. The entire readership of the Daily Mail will need to be wired in to the national grid, and force fed columns by Peter Hitchens until they burst with rage. It’s a renewable energy source though, because when one does burst, we can send in Polish cleaners to mop up, thus agitating their chagrin to diabolical levels. When there are no more Mail readers left, we can simply make some more by having a collective shit.
Admittedly, one side effect of this new energy policy is that the media will eventually run out of scandal. But it’s okay, we can buy in scandal from China at half the cost of local scandal, and off set the carbon footprint of this increased haulage by banning Anne Diamond.
If China cannot meet our increasing scandal needs, we can lend money to struggling nations to dig for their own scandals. And if all else fails, we can constantly reprint the charge that Anglican Vicars are only here to steal your windows.
Speed cameras should trigger ejector seats.
All Gods and Prophets should be renamed Elmo, and their images should be replaced by ones of the cuddly red monster from Sesame Street. The holy texts should be ousted by transcripts of Elmo’s numerous dogmatic tirades on co-operation.
All territorial disputes around the globe should be settled over a nice cup of tea. Whilst they are dunking Hob Nobs and discussing matters, we should nick the territory and hide it in Antarctica. When they emerge from their meetings, we should act like the territory never existed in the first place, and accuse the disgruntled parties of a collective malady of the head.
Formula One can easily cut costs by trading in their 1998 cars for the generous government scrapping fee. McLaren alone should make 5 grand.
From now on, every single decision in the world will be made by Buzz Aldrin.