Thought Vomit #78: ft. Holby City Woman

I’m having trouble formulating the opening sentence of this carrot chunder, so bear with me. Maybe I’ll begin with an aside. Mr David Cameron plundered the depths even further recently, and not simply because he went on the Christian O’Connell show, but because he clearly engineered a “gaffe” in a low brow effort to be populist.

If the following “slip” wasn’t scripted, I will gladly chow down on Benny Hill’s beret:

“The trouble with Twitter – the instantness of it – too many twits make a twat.”

He then went on to use the phrase “pissed off” with regards to the public feeling about MPs’ expenses. What makes the whole thing reek heavily of haddock is the fact there was a photographer present in the studio. I’m not sure if it’s standard practice to have a cameraman in the recording booth, but I’m guessing not.

So, maybe it’s time to introduce ourselves to Holby City Woman; a woman dreamt up by a Tory party strategist. She is the kind of woman the new Conservatives are speaking to. She’s a public sector worker with a number of specific values. And guess what? She’s listening to them.

Well of course she is you unutterable twat wagons. You made her up. The fact that you conjured her out of your unusually heinous anus, gave her a list of random concerns, and then responded to those concerns is the least of it. You then, and this is the cock throbbing genius bit, you imagined she was happy with what she heard.

I don’t want the parties speaking to some bland generic mind fart; I want them out and about, engaging face to face, with issues and concerns that affect real people. I think I mixed my clauses there, sorry, too much writing bad fiction this past week.

Nothing good has ever come out of talking to someone like Holby City Woman. I think it was Graham Linehan who once told a story of being in the office of the Controller of BBC Three, and noticed a poster which described the perfect BBC Three viewer. Apparently she drank Bacardi Breezers and smoked Malboro Lights.

Is it wrong to think that audiences are dwindling for television networks because they are being aimed squarely at fictional constructs? Is there not a lesson to be learned here? Some of the best shows are simply one person with a good idea, wanting to share it with us – take The Wire. At no point would that ever get past the Bacardi Breezer test.

So, why the fuck knuckle would we listen to what’s being said to Holby City Woman, the “ideal” Tory voter? You’re just talking to yourselves. It’s the political equivalent of blogging.

And it leads to twunts like Lembit Opik.

I don’t care if that’s a non-sequiter. It’s true.

We also get the prospective parliamentary candidate for a Bristol seat, Charlotte Leslie, who’s rather pat arguments for social ills on the Daily Mail blog are overlooked simply because, and this is true, she used to be a boxer.

Yeah, that’s right, forget her slightly out dated concepts of society, forget that she’ll probably hold sway in a government that will struggle to keep up its promises of a new conservatism, listen up Holby City Woman, one of our precious few female candidates used to BOX.

A woman? Who boxes? Yeah, you heard us. That’s real feminism.

And she wants to make boxing available to every child in her constituency. Well, I say go for it. Give the kids the requisite skills to beat the crap out of their parliamentary representatives until they stop talking to us like we’re idiots.

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