Thought Vomit #101: ft. Sums

Our world is ruled by numbers. The FTSE screams its figures at us like it’s got mathematical Tourettes, and interest rates can literally make people defecate. Numbers is money, and money are numbers. It’s as if the entire planet were built on them.

So is it any wonder that those very same numbers can demonstrate a secret elite is ruling the world? Numerology, it’s my latest interest.

It all started when I accidentally ate a calculator. I didn’t think Western medicine could help me with my choking sensation, so I wandered down to my local spiritualist fair. Weirdly, drinking eight gallons of homeopath spunk (I believe the technical term is tincture) didn’t help. Also, the three dozen crystals I swallowed just seemed to exacerbate the problem.

But it occurred to me that the way to cure a number related problem would be with numbers. If you’ve not come across Numerology before, you’re in for a treat. With a simple and fallacious manipulation of random numbers, a Numerologist can prove the planes that flew in to the World Trade Center were actually flying reindeers being ridden by masturbating Masonic Lizards*. So if they can do THAT, then they could easily cure me of my electronic abacus tracheal blockage.

So the first thing the Numberman did was to take the letters of my name and transcribe them to numbers. This is quite simple; you just give each letter in the alphabet a number. So S becomes 1, obviously.

( )

Anyway, my name breaks down like this:

1 9 4 6 5 4 3 5 5

Next, and very importantly, you add those numbers up to give you a very significant new number.


Now, the nerd in me at this point got a parping great erection, and I began to believe that I was in fact the answer to life the universe and everything. But as if to vomit directly into the mouth of Douglas Adams, you then have to add 4 and 2 together, to get the much less geekgasmic number 6.

The number six means Responsibility. Which must make the Devil culpable for almost everything I suppose. Whatever, it meant the Numberman couldn’t help me, and I had to resolve it myself.

So, does anyone know how I can stop choking on a calculator please?

* This isn’t that far from the truth of their claims:

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