So, the election kicked off this morning, and already an over-zealous Nick Clegg has eaten a baby. What better time then to analyse the data from my very own opinion poll.
Questions 1 and 2 were designed to compare voting habits with voting intention.
What’s most surprising here is not the massive downward turn in support for the Conservatives (a full 30 points behind other polls), but the fact that over a third of respondents won’t be going to a polling station to cast their vote.
This is a worrying finding, but there’s some improvement from the last election, as the chart shows. Support for all the major parties has either dropped or remained the same, with the biggest collapse perhaps surprisingly coming for the Lib Dems.
Q3. Who do you think would make a better Prime Minister in the next parliament?
As you can see, there was overwhelming support for the fictional character of Compo, with 55% of the vote. Strangely, a much lower proportion of respondents described themselves as a Moron (5%).
Just as interesting is the discrepancy between voter intention and their choice as the best Prime Minister. While only 3% of respondents intend to vote Conservative, twice as many (6%) think David Cameron is the best choice as PM.
Q4. If you had to pick the manner of your own death at the hands of David Cameron, which would you choose?
Very few people would like David Cameron to eat their face, which puts the kybosh on one of his key election promises. But a majority of respondents do like the idea of a Cameron clergy beating.
Perhaps the most interesting finding is that 100% of people who would like a Cameron based facial chewing are Labour voters through and through, and 100% of them describe themselves as a Moron.
Q5. Which adjective best describes your feelings towards Nick Clegg?
81% of people who want to eat Nick Clegg also think Doctor Who would be good for the NHS, but only 45% of them think Clegg would be an effective leader.
Thus, the only possible conclusion is that Nick Clegg would make a better meal than he would a Prime Minister.
Q6. Your outrage at the MP expense scandal was driven by …
The country seems to be skewing in favour of a jealous but indignant righteousness when it comes to MPs’ expenses. But one telling finding is that 100% of people who describe themselves as a Racist have a righteous indignation coupled with jealousy. Make of that what you will.
Q7. Which one of the following best describes you?
What’s not surprising is that we all feel a little ineffectual when it comes to politics. So maybe it’s time to remind you all that 55% of us would like Compo to be our next Prime Minister. And yet only 5% of us consider ourselves Morons.
Exactly half of us think we are a Sunday Roast. And of that number, 65% think Compo should be running the country.
Q8. Which cute animal would you put in to the Large Hadron Collider?
15% of respondents agree with Evan Harris MP that a gannet should be put into the Large Hadron Collider, while only 8% agree with Stewart Lee that it should be next door’s dog. Kittens were far and away the most popular choice, but 34% of respondents think Vince Cable is a cute animal. Perhaps this is why he’s following Nick Clegg around everywhere at the moment.
Q9. Which of the following issues will most affect your vote in May?
For a long time, the Twitter Trending Topics were in the lead on this one, but the weather finally prevailed. 12% of respondents will always vote the same way, no matter what the issues, yet only 5% of us consider ourselves Morons. There’s clearly some discrepancy here.
Q10. What would best improve the NHS?
With the NHS clearly staked out as a battle ground for this election, highlighted by all parties as a key issue, we seem a little confused. While the Tories and Labour argue about the best way to make savings in the service, it’s clear the country thinks all it needs is Doctor Who.
15% of people think the NHS would be improved by underwater homeopathy clinics. And 8% think the Tories would improve the NHS. Yet only 5% of us consider ourselves Morons.
It’s clear then that the best way to win this election is to elect Compo as party leader, and have him step out of a TARDIS every day.
This rigorous opinion poll has a margin of error of plus or minus 100%.