I’ve been suffering terribly this week with stomach inflammation, and as always my doctor hasn’t been much use. He tried to blame it on the amount of food I’ve been eating, but that can’t be right. I mean, eating a cake the size of Ron Howard is par for the course in my house.
So I ignored his advice, which was just some twaddle about healthy eating and exercise anyway, and I went instead to the only sane place left on the planet; the internet.
I wanted a device that pumped the fat from my belly and made it hard, so I Googled the words Pump and Hard. This threw up a number of interesting results, but the one that really caught my eye was the website about Fluffers.
Now, Fluffing is a lot like Phrenology I think, only instead of focussing on the bumps in my skull to tell me I’m a well-rounded individual, Fluffers read the flotsam and jetsam that gather in my belly button. They’re literally navel gazers. It’s like reading tea-leaves apparently, only without the preceding beverage.
So I made an appointment with a local Fluffer called Georgina. As I lay on her inspecting couch, with my belly out for all the world to see, she began by putting me in a relaxed state. I didn’t fully understand what she told me about chakras, but it was pleasant enough when she orally inspected what she called The Navel Mons Meridian.
After a few moments of this, she began to inspect my belly button, at first with her eyes, then a bit more with her tongue. I think the fluff must have a spiritual taste or something, and Fluffers’ tongues seem to have a unique energy about them, which caused me some discomfort.
From what she could ascertain from her inspection, it turns out I’m “A Dirty Boy”.
I’m not sure what that means, but she said it often, and who am I to naysay the opinions of a professional. It’s probably a personality type of some kind.
From here on in, the healing took a more holistic approach, focussing a lot on massage and oils, and as my session approached its climax, I felt an enormous sense of release, as if she had relieved me of all my pent up energy.
I must say, it’s a much more satisfying experience than a five minute quickie with my local GP.
You should Google ‘Fluffers’ too.