‘Click’ on the BBC News Channel is evil. It would make Jesus’ balls whimper. The most dangerous thing about it is the section where they recommend websites. This is often broadcast on a Sunday afternoon when I have nothing better to do than follow their advice. It’s either that or going to Church and trying to hear the messiah’s moaning testicles.
So it was that I found myself on a heinous website called Omegle. If you truly have to go and visit it, do so with a giant bag of Monster Munch and pair of anti-twunt goggles. It’s so bad, I’ve blocked it on my firewall now simply out of spite.
The basic premise is that the site will connect you with a random stranger so that you can have a chat on your keyboards. The majority of connections end very quickly, but one or two pan out into something longer. So I have cut and paste the final chat I had.
You are connected with a Stranger, say Hi.
YOU: Hello, I’m Simon.
STRANGER: You a bird?
YOU: No, I’m a big manly man, grrrr.
STRANGER: Im John!
YOU: Hello Jack.
STRANGER: No John!
YOU: That’s weird, it said Jack.
STRANGER: No it didnt
YOU: It’s possible that the internet lies to us.
STRANGER: So r u a woman or wot?
YOU: No, I’m a big manly man, grrr.
STRANGER: Are u bein sarkastik?
STRANGER: So u r a bird then?
YOU: Yes, if you must, I AM a bird.
STRANGER: U Hot?
YOU: Yeah, it’s boiling, I hate the sun.
STRANGER: What ya wearin?!
YOU: A layer of self loathing.
STRANGER: Is that sum kinda sexi underware?
YOU: Not sure you could call it sexy, no. The opposite in fact.
STRANGER: You got nice tits?
YOU: They’re a healthy size I suppose, I’m a bit self-conscious.
STRANGER: What size? 40DD??!! I luvs em big.
YOU: I bet you loves your BNP too.
STRANGER: Is that a durtee sex act?
YOU: Well, they are fuckers yes.
STRANGER: Then yeah. I love fuckin!!
YOU: Are you flirting with me?
STRANGER: Mebbe. U like?
YOU: I’m a man.
STRANGER: Im ur man. Bet you need a gud nobbin.
YOU: No, I don’t NEED a man, I AM a man. Ostensibly.
STRANGER: U in ure nikkers?
YOU: I have no idea what you just typed.
STRANGER: Soz. I typed u in ure nikkers!!
YOU: No, you’ve just typed the same thing again. That’s not clarification.
STRANGER: Wanna meet 4 a shag?
YOU: I think you’d be sorely disappointed.
STRANGER: U can make me sore anytime baby.
YOU: I like to think you’re being poetic.
STRANGER: U wanna be romansed or nobbed?
STRANGER: We cud do it in hotel.
YOU: Do what?
YOU: What’s It?
STRANGER: You know it!
YOU: This is turning into an Abbot and Costello routine.
STRANGER: They ure hot mates? They can join in!
YOU: So, let me clarify, you want me and Abbot and Costello to join you in a hotel room?
STRANGER: Fuk yeah!!!
YOU: And do what?
STRANGER: Anythink u want baby.
YOU: Could we play Scrabble?
STRANGER: Afta you suk me off yeh!
YOU: What would Abbot and Costello be doing?
STRANGER: Eachova! as we watch!
YOU: Alright, it’s a deal.
YOU: Yeah, seriously. Which hotel? When?
STRANGER: U know the Thistle down the road from me?
YOU: Intimately yes.
STRANGER: Kool I go get a room now!
YOU: Please do. I’ll call Abbott and have him fetch Costello.
STRANGER: Is your mates men!!
YOU: Oh yes.
STRANGER: I aint no batty bumma.
Stranger has disconnected from this conversation.