Thought Vomit #81: ft. Heist

It occurred to me earlier that I don’t have a criminal record, and by my reckoning I should be able to get away with one elaborate heist. I’d be above suspicion. The police wouldn’t look at the crime scene and think, “yeah, this bears all the hallmarks of Simon.”

So, I began picking the brains of my law enforcement pals, wondering out loud what I could morally get away with. Murder is out apparently, because they’re so rare every resource gets thrown at them. Drug peddling is an option if I was a middle-aged woman, which it seems I am not. The best they could offer me was shoplifting.

No. I’m not using my one crime to half hinch a DVD, no matter how relatively risk free it is. At the very least, my heist should involve one laser net, and some wire based antics. George Clooney should be there too, he’d be above suspicion.

A Nina Simone soundtrack is also mandatory.

We’ll need a van, and a motley crew of people with middle name epithets such as Jimmy The Clips MacMahon, or Harry The Hatchet Henderson. Ideally one of these characters will stay in the van disabling dead locks and telling me when a security guard is headed my way.

Our prize should be a diamond bigger than a muppet’s head.

At some point, one of us will have to seemingly double cross the others, and if we can make our escape through an underground tunnel system on motorbikes, all the better.

If you’d like in on this caper, leave your comments and ideas below. I’m pretty sure the police won’t be checking Facebook.

4 thoughts on “Thought Vomit #81: ft. Heist

  • August 3, 2009 at 11:41 pm

    If any hacking is needed, I’ll do it (so long as the thing I’m hacking is stupidly insecure).

  • August 4, 2009 at 8:36 am

    oh mr niblock hack into Chortle and bring it down for the length of the festival! Please……

  • August 4, 2009 at 11:27 am

    i’ll distract the security guards by… yes, you’ve guessed it… “Aaaa’m goonna flash ma boooobies at ’em”

  • August 12, 2009 at 4:45 pm

    I could learn to pick locks or maybe drive the getaway car… noone would suspect a VW polo driver of doing anything even slightly outrageous.

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