I’ve been doing something all day that I realised my Dad would never do. I keep darting looks at my phone, convinced that I can hear it vibrating. He would also never stop in the middle of a supermarket and dive into his pocket wondering if his phone was buzzing. For some reason he’s never paranoid about having his keys either.

It got me wondering about all the little things I do in my life that my Dad would never find himself doing:

Staring at the back of a DVD in a certain light checking for scratches.

Seeing a pile of discarded coins and feeling compelled to stack them in denominations.

Wondering if he should combine all his email accounts into a single GMail.

Staring at a monitor trying to think of an interesting Tweet.

Weighing up whether Twat Wagon is an appropriate term in a script for Radio 4.

Swearing at Mini Coopers.

Using a toothbrush to clean his Playstation controller.

Contemplating a walk to the shops to buy a Wispa Gold.

Going up the stairs on all fours pretending to be a tiger.

Watching Rocky Balboa.

Getting paranoid that Facebook is still showing him ads for Russian brides.

Berating people who use headsets in Call of Duty Team Deathmatches.

Arguing with his spell checker.

Swearing at people who use exclamation marks as full stops.

Wondering if he would like to hug William Shatner.

Not checking the oil level in the car for months.

Pretending a marker pen is a Cuban cigar and imagining he is David Letterman.

Writing pointless missives on the internet.

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