Category Archives: Sanctimoan

e.phemera: The Single Mother’s Manifesto

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This won’t be available for too long, what with the Times Online retreating behind a pay-wall, but J.K Rowling’s opinion piece today is marvellous. I urge you to read the whole thing, but here are a few choice nuggets.

Talking of Cameron’s assertion that his marriage tax break is a token gesture, saying it’s not the money, it’s the message:

Nobody who has ever experienced the reality of poverty could say “it’s not the money, it’s the message”. … When you are two pence short of a tin of baked beans, and your child is hungry, it is the money. When you find yourself contemplating shoplifting to get nappies, it is the money. If Mr Cameron’s only practical advice to women living in poverty, the sole carers of their children, is “get married, and we’ll give you £150”, he reveals himself to be completely ignorant of their true situation.

Speaking of her decision to remain a domiciled tax-payer:

I am indebted to the British welfare state; the very one that Mr Cameron would like to replace with charity handouts. When my life hit rock bottom, that safety net, threadbare though it had become under John Major’s Government, was there to break the fall.

And she concludes:

Child poverty remains a shameful problem in this country, but it will never be solved by throwing millions of pounds of tax breaks at couples who have no children at all. David Cameron tells us that the Conservatives have changed, that they are no longer the “nasty party”, that he wants the UK to be “one of the most family-friendly nations in Europe”, but I, for one, am not buying it. He has repackaged a policy that made desperate lives worse when his party was last in power, and is trying to sell it as something new.

Seriously,  go and read the whole thing, it’s great.

Thought Vomit #124: ft. The Manifesto

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Labour has launched its manifesto in the form of a YouTube cartoon.

There’s a nice subliminal message in there too. Apparently, some of us are just morons with a megaphone. Nice.

Since I’m standing for election to this blog, hoping to secure an historic second term, here are a few nuggets from my own manifesto.

On the Digital Economy:

“I aim to negotiate processes and systems that aren’t working and negotiate them so you get the social networks you deserve.”

On Foreign Policy:

“I ask you to morph and understand one key thing: What we are being asked to do – execute swiftly on our emerging relationships – has not changed.”

On the NHS:

“The organisational changes I am making will help us grow a culture of prosperous customer focus.”

On Overseas Development:

“I will capitalise global P&L responsibility as well as business and e-service strategy.”

And finally on Parliamentary Reform:

“We now have a structure and a compelling start to benchmark the leadership portals.”

With thanks to the Coporate Bullshit Generator.

But most importantly of all, I’ve been working hard on my election slogan. I think it embodies everything I stand for, and everything I hope to achieve, along with a fair and accurate representation of the mandate I am asking you to support.

“We’re going to iterate processes and systems that aren’t working and iterate them so you get the deliverable you need.”

Opinion Poll Results

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So, the election kicked off this morning, and already an over-zealous Nick Clegg has eaten a baby. What better time then to analyse the data from my very own opinion poll.

Questions 1 and 2 were designed to compare voting habits with voting intention.

Fig 01

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What’s most surprising here is not the massive downward turn in support for the Conservatives (a full 30 points behind other polls), but the fact that over a third of respondents won’t be going to a polling station to cast their vote.

This is a worrying finding, but there’s some improvement from the last election, as the chart shows. Support for all the major parties has either dropped or remained the same, with the biggest collapse perhaps surprisingly coming for the Lib Dems.

Q3. Who do you think would make a better Prime Minister in the next parliament?

Fig 02

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As you can see, there was overwhelming support for the fictional character of Compo, with 55% of the vote. Strangely, a much lower proportion of respondents described themselves as a Moron (5%).

Just as interesting is the discrepancy between voter intention and their choice as the best Prime Minister. While only 3% of respondents intend to vote Conservative, twice as many (6%) think David Cameron is the best choice as PM.

Q4. If you had to pick the manner of your own death at the hands of David Cameron, which would you choose?

Fig 03

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Very few people would like David Cameron to eat their face, which puts the kybosh on one of his key election promises. But a majority of respondents do like the idea of a Cameron clergy beating.

Perhaps the most interesting finding is that 100% of people who would like a Cameron based facial chewing are Labour voters through and through, and 100% of them describe themselves as a Moron.

Q5. Which adjective best describes your feelings towards Nick Clegg?

Fig 04

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81% of people who want to eat Nick Clegg also think Doctor Who would be good for the NHS, but only 45% of them think Clegg would be an effective leader.

Thus, the only possible conclusion is that Nick Clegg would make a better meal than he would a Prime Minister.

Q6. Your outrage at the MP expense scandal was driven by …

Fig 05

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The country seems to be skewing in favour of a jealous but indignant righteousness when it comes to MPs’ expenses. But one telling finding is that 100% of people who describe themselves as a Racist have a righteous indignation coupled with jealousy. Make of that what you will.

Q7. Which one of the following best describes you?

Fig 06

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What’s not surprising is that we all feel a little ineffectual when it comes to politics. So maybe it’s time to remind you all that 55% of us would like Compo to be our next Prime Minister. And yet only 5% of us consider ourselves Morons.

Compo

The country's preference for their next PM

Exactly half of us think we are a Sunday Roast. And of that number, 65% think Compo should be running the country.

Q8. Which cute animal would you put in to the Large Hadron Collider?

Fig 07

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15% of respondents agree with Evan Harris MP that a gannet should be put into the Large Hadron Collider, while only 8% agree with Stewart Lee that it should be next door’s dog. Kittens were far and away the most popular choice, but 34% of respondents think Vince Cable is a cute animal. Perhaps this is why he’s following Nick Clegg around everywhere at the moment.

Q9. Which of the following issues will most affect your vote in May?

Fig 08

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For a long time, the Twitter Trending Topics were in the lead on this one, but the weather finally prevailed. 12% of respondents will always vote the same way, no matter what the issues, yet only 5% of us consider ourselves Morons. There’s clearly some discrepancy here.

Q10. What would best improve the NHS?

Fig 09

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With the NHS clearly staked out as a battle ground for this election, highlighted by all parties as a key issue, we seem a little confused. While the Tories and Labour argue about the best way to make savings in the service, it’s clear the country thinks all it needs is Doctor Who.

15% of people think the NHS would be improved by underwater homeopathy clinics. And 8% think the Tories would improve the NHS. Yet only 5% of us consider ourselves Morons.

It’s clear then that the best way to win this election is to elect Compo as party leader, and have him step out of a TARDIS every day.

.

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This rigorous opinion poll has a margin of error of plus or minus 100%.

If I Get 1000 Responses, This Will Be An Official Opinion Poll

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How do you intend to vote in the upcoming election?




How did you vote in the last election?




Who do you think would make a better Prime Minister in the next parliament?




If you had to pick the manner of your own death at the hands of David Cameron, which would you choose?




Which adjective best describes your feelings towards Nick Clegg?




Your outrage at the MP expense scandal was driven by ...


Which one of the following best describes you?




Which cute animal would you put in to the Large Hadron Collider?




Which of the following issues will most affect your vote in May?




What would best improve the NHS?






Thought Vomit #123: ft. Glasses Direct

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I upset an optometrist.

Well, more precisely, I upset the man who tried to sell me glasses after an eye exam. He was perfectly pleasant, telling me about my frame choices and lens types, and so I asked him how much it would all cost.

 It was quite high.

I’ve never bought glasses before, so I asked if that price included a second pair free. No. But, he added proudly, I can do you a second pair for 50% off. I nearly asked him why he couldn’t then do the original pair for the same price, but instead I tried on another pair.

That’s when I upset him.

I mentioned that I was going to go home and price it all up on the internet.

He actually threw a little hissy fit. At one point he even slammed his folder shut. He agreed that yes, I would most certainly be able to find everything cheaper on the internet, but I wouldn’t have his expertise and knowledge.

I asked him what a certain shape of lens was called.

He shrugged and grunted, “I dunno.”

The point was lost on him.

Glasses Direct

Glasses Direct, very lovely

There’s no reason his prices should be more than twice what I found from glassesdirect.co.uk. They have overheads too, they have a building to maintain, professional optometrists to pay, and they don’t have the guaranteed income from eye tests. In fact, he could buy his glasses from the internet, mark them up 30% and STILL be cheaper than his own prices.

To be honest, I would have bought some from him had he not become so uppity.

He didn’t help his own cause by conceding that he used the internet to buy things like books. If he was trying to win me over, that was the worst thing he could have said. As a customer, I love Amazon, but as a writer, I suspect that by driving prices down, authors are the first people losing out. No doubt the same could be said about glasses salesmen, but in my experience, one hundred per cent of glasses salesmen are uppity pricks. His last word was to say that I wouldn’t get the personal service online.

I left. On getting home, I logged on to Twitter. I had asked if anyone had dealt with glassesdirect.co.uk, and a stream of extremely positive tweets about them greeted me. That was reassuring. More so was the one from the company itself, inviting me to ask any questions I liked.

I bought a pair, got a second pair free, all for half the price twunt-man had quoted me.

So I tweeted, saying I had bought a nice rimless pair. Glassesdirect tweeted back, asking if I had any follow up questions, and whether I had any feedback which might improve their service.

At no point did they slam a folder shut in my face.

Even if they arrive in a damaged box, are ill-fitting and are scratched, I shall still be happier with them than I was with my friendly local opticians. Somehow though, I suspect they will be lovely.

Internet wins.