Gold, Frankenstien, and Grr

‘Twas the night before Christmas
When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung
From the chimney with care
In hope that St Nicholas
Soon would be there.
And Ma in her nightgown
And me in my cap
Had just settled down
For a long winter’ nap
When up on the roof
there arose such a clatter
That I got out of bed
To see what was the matter
But first I reached out
For the gun by my bed
To pump the intruder
Gut full of lead.
I crept out the door
And onto the lawn
Those housebreaking bastards
Had seen their last dawn.
Out in the moonlight
Seven shadows I saw.
There was no time for thinking –
I dropped to the floor.
Bang bang bang bang
Bang bang bang bang
Through the still winters night
My bold twelve bore sang.
Down from the roof
Fell the seven dead crooks.
I crossed over the drive
To take a good look.
Six reindeer it was,
And a fat guy in red.
A strange bunch of villains,
But now they were dead.
So I went back to bed
Full of Christmas good cheer.
I’d help keep our neighbourhood
Kids free from fear.

Utterly Utterly Merry Comic Relief Christmas Book
, ,
Buy My Books
  • Proctology: A Bottom Examination
    Proctology: A Bottom Examination

    For a long time now I’ve been wanting to write an old-fashioned programme guide. One you can hold in your hand and thumb through, make notes on, spill coffee on. So I did. Proctology: A Bottom Examination is my deep dive into Bottom, the hit BBC Two sitcom starring Rik Mayall and Adrian Edmondson. That’s…

Most Read
  • Re-Casting Keanu
    Re-Casting Keanu

    Keanu Reeves is 56. That makes him eight years older than Clive Dunn was when he was first cast in Dad’s Army. But don’t panic, Clive Dunn was always playing much older characters than his own age. Keanu Reeves is 56. That makes him seven years older than Stephanie Cole was when she was first…

From The Archive

Sign up for my FREE newsletter