Here’s a sketch I wrote a few years ago, initially for a live show, but it made its way onto The Ten Minute Sketch Show for Resonance FM.
It plays with the tried and tested meme of people having inappropriate reactions to events going on around them. In retrospect, I think it’s a little too long, but it does have one line in it that I’ve always been proud of.
INT.A SMALL OPEN-FRONTED HARDWARE STORE IN A SHOPPING MALL.
ONE
Um ... yeah ... I uh ... I’m after a, you know, smoke detector.
TWO
Yeah, we do those.
ONE
Right ... and they detect smoke do they?
TWO
Uh, yeah. That’s what smoke detectors do.
ONE
Okay, so if I had a smoke detector, then well, it would detect smoke?
TWO
(blinks)
Yeah.
ONE
Is, is, is that all they do?
TWO
Well you know, um, they’re like a prevention device, sort of to help prevent fires and stuff.
ONE
Now that sounds more like what I’m after.
TWO
Right okay, so, one smoke detector?
ONE
Just to be clear, if I have a smoke detector, will that prevent the fire that is currently raging through my house right now?
TWO
Sorry?
ONE
(slowly)
If I have a smoke detector, will that prevent the fire happening in my house right now?
TWO
Theoretically yes.
ONE
What about literally? It’s just that my couch is really nice, and I’m worried the flames that are decimating it right now might you know, damage it a bit. So I was hoping, you know, this clever smoke detector thing might stop the fire ... happening ... now.
TWO
Your house is on fire?
ONE
Well, it’s covered in hot orange wobbly stuff ... does that constitute an “on fire”?
TWO
Is there smoke?
ONE
Yes. Yes. There is smoke. Hence, you know, the smoke detector thing.
TWO
I think you need the fire brigade.
ONE
The who?
TWO
The Fire Brigade.
ONE
And what do these “The Fire Brigade” do?
TWO
Um, they, they put out fires.
ONE
Well that does sound like the sort of thing I’m looking for yes. Do you sell any “The Fire Brigade”?
TWO
No, no, you need to phone them.
ONE
Oh it’s a mail order thing? Have you got a catalogue I can look at?
TWO
No. They’re an emergency service. They’ll come round with hoses.
ONE
Hmm. See, I think hoses would clash with my new Ikea shelving.
TWO
You’re new Ikea Shelving is burning to the ground!!
ONE
Yes. That’s the quandary I’m in. Ideally, what I need is someone to stop the fire happening.
TWO
That’s the Fire Brigade.
ONE
Right. I’ll tell you what, I’ll have a think about it, and I’ll come back.
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