Thought Vomit #97: ft. A Broken Pencil

I took a personality test this afternoon. Apparently I’m gregarious, fashionable, out-going, over-confident, attractive and honest. Now, those of you that know me will recognise all of those qualities, but according to the results of the test, they are negative traits.

Luckily, the man who tested me had an idea as to how I could eradicate them from my psyche and become a more balanced human being. For a small fee, with which I happily parted, he took me through to another room; the Indoctrination Chamber. He told me not to focus too much on the scary sounding name, and instead relax.

The Indoctrination Chamber was a wooden box, divided in two by a screen, fronted by a purple curtain. I sat in one side, separated from Kevin Price (for that was his name) by the screen. In order to relax, he suggested a repetitive physical ritual which consisted of touching my head, my chest and both my shoulders in turn, before kneeling down and placing the palms of my hands together.

In a suitably rested state, Kevin then asked me to tell him all my secrets, and all the bad things I have ever done. He described this as a cleansing ritual, and assured me that none of what I said would go any further. So far, so good.

Kevin even laughed when I told him about the incident which must never be mentioned. I forget his exact words, but they were something like, “Wait till I tell Mark about that one.”

Anyway, at the end of my cleansing ritual, Kevin told me that a moment of repenting was needed to further expel the negative traits of my personality. He plugged me into a machine, which to me resembled a string of beads, which I was to digitally manipulate as I recanted a learned mantra. I don’t quite remember the mantra, but it was something about the Baby Thetan born in the land of Beth Lee Ham.

To be honest, I was about ready to leave, but Kevin soon changed my mind. He pointed out that my cleansing ritual had taken place in the presence of a security guard called Doug. Doug had a big gun and would be happy to kill me for all the bad things I had done, unless I willingly sucked his cock.

A gob full of Doug later, and Kevin suggested that I might like to make a donation as a mark of respect for my act of contrition. Somehow, I now live with Kevin and he’s asked me to ask you some questions, so here goes:

Have you swallowed the sword of Doug? Have you welcomed the love of Kevin Price into your life? If you haven’t, you should.

I have.


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