Thought Vomit #118: ft. Sneezen Teas

It’s amazing what seemingly innocuous and random confluences can tell you about your life, your loves and your future. I had an Aunt once who read tea leaves, and would often spend hours telling me how my life would turn out. She got quite a lot of it right too, not least the happiness and success thing.

What’s more, a kid at school (who now chats to me on Facebook like we were chums) used to read my palm. Apparently, the lines in my hand told him all about my luxurious house, and where he spat is where my pool would be.

But now a clever man who claims to have read the word Science on a cereal packet once has developed a high speed camera that can make 100% accurate prophecies about your future.

The Sneeze Reader records your phlegmatic spread as you bark a ball of snot into the air, capturing it at such slow motion; you can actually make out words and images in the spray.

After a generous snort of pepper, I looked directly into the camera and walloped out a mouth fart so powerful it cracked the lens. Then I was able to watch it back, and sure enough, snot did come out of my gob.

But more amazingly, over the course of a few frames I discerned the face of God (though it might have been Pele), the word “Oxygen”, and the winning lottery numbers for the 12th August 1998. Pele knows how long they’d been up there.

A few frames later, emerging from the mucal fog came the Superman logo, Wogan’s home phone number (it’s simply 2) and some incredibly explicit pornographic images.

Finally, in the last few frames, I saw I had sneezed a baby Panda.

The analysis of these images was done by Roger, the man who knew how to spell Scyunce. It turns out I may or may not have a pleasant Christmas. So it clearly works.

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