How To Childproof A Modernist Home

I half dreamed, half wrote a sketch this morning at about 4am. I have no idea if it’s funny (it’s really not), or even if it’s vaguely original, but I thought I’d type it up and publish it here, for no other reason than it’s Sunday, the sun is shining, and I have no other ideas for what to write.

It feels like A Hale & Pace sketch to be honest.


Norman sits with Helen, his wife. They are both dressed like Steve Jobs, surrounded by whites, woods, steel, and glass. Lots of crisp edges.

Gareth steps into shot, and flashes a cheesy grin at the camera.


I’m here to help Mr and Mrs Bauhaus child proof their home.

He turns and hands them a giant packet of condoms. They taken them, a bit confused.

Time cut.

Close on Gareth, addressing camera.


Three weeks later, let’s see how they got on.

He steps out of the way to reveal the house, condoms draped on every corner, stuck over sockets, criss crossed over glass like police cordens. The couple sit exactly as they were, still confused.

, ,
Buy My Books
  • Proctology: A Bottom Examination
    Proctology: A Bottom Examination

    For a long time now I’ve been wanting to write an old-fashioned programme guide. One you can hold in your hand and thumb through, make notes on, spill coffee on. So I did. Proctology: A Bottom Examination is my deep dive into Bottom, the hit BBC Two sitcom starring Rik Mayall and Adrian Edmondson. That’s…

Most Read
  • Re-Casting Keanu
    Re-Casting Keanu

    Keanu Reeves is 56. That makes him eight years older than Clive Dunn was when he was first cast in Dad’s Army. But don’t panic, Clive Dunn was always playing much older characters than his own age. Keanu Reeves is 56. That makes him seven years older than Stephanie Cole was when she was first…

From The Archive

Sign up for my FREE newsletter