Thought Vomit #115: ft. Pudwhacking

Is it possible to injure your wrist without also having to listen to a torrent of masturbatory innuendo?

My guess would be no, but like a good pseudo-scientist, I decided to conduct an experiment. In order to disprove the hypothesis, I had to injure said wrist in a seemingly innocuous manner.

Believe it or not, it’s quite hard to damage yourself deliberately, but I gave it a damn good try. Four hours of Wii Boxing over two nights began to do the trick, but it still wasn’t enough.

Look twice ...
Look twice …

So this morning, I woke up and coincidentally peeked into my fruit bowl. I noticed that my plantain was somewhat lacking in lustre; so I spent the next hour buffing my banana, and noticed some severe wristial discomfort.

I was a bit too tired to really care at this point, what with being awoken so early by next door’s hens. In a bit of a huff, I headed next door, ignoring the religious type coming up the path to preach at my face. I bashed the bishop to one side, and I’m sorry to say, I actually choked a chicken.

I wandered home in shame, but cheered up a little when I saw my charcuterie order had arrived. I love this monthly package so much I always have to open it immediately and stroke the salami.

I had been dying to try out a new easy to make recipe, so I grabbed my sausage and began cooking. The trick is to really jerk the Gherkin.

Now my wrist really hurts, but it had nothing to do with any of this. I injured it editing my damn podcast.

And yes, people have tried to insinuate I did it masturbating.

I didn’t. And it hurts quite a lot to type, so that’s why this is full of juvenile jokes and not some insightful rant about the pull of the pope.

Grow up.

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