The Terrifying Super Secret Of Tommy Lee Jones

Last year, I stumbled upon an unsettling truth. I realised that Brian Cox (the actor, not the gurning physicist) is responsible for the secret mind control programs that created ALL THE ASSASSINS. Don’t believe me? Check out the evidence here, and here. Then come back and we’ll move on.

It’s obvious that The Man is now on to me, knowing that I’ve exposed a deep, terrifying secret that could destabilise the whole world. But I forgot to mention that Cox played the man who invented the TARDIS by the way, in the BBC docudrama An Adventure In Space And Time, and so he quite clearly could be all those people throughout history. He invented the TARDIS.

But they’re on to me like a ribbon of melted mozzarella cheese.

So they’ve moved on.

They’ve dumped their Cox.

But they can’t leave all these super secret assassination making programs unsupervised. That would be madness. Imagine a world in which assassin ran free in fields and jumped hedges, rather than being kept in stables and mind controlled? It would be jolly dangerous.

So, who’s the new man the man hired to be the man?

Brace yourself.


I first became aware of his new role whilst watching Captain America: The First Avenger, wherein Jones is an army Colonel man who instigates a program to create a super-soldier. And we all know, that’s the first step in creating the super assassin.

And then, my suspicions were deepened when I saw Jones in Jason Bourne. Now he’s in the present day, and he’s heading up the CIA’s Iron Hand program. He’s gone full-on balls-out Cox. Assassin handler? Check. Head of covert assassin making machine? Check. Use of stupid names for those programs? Check. Time travel? Check.

He did it in Men In Black 3.

Tommy Lee Jones is the new Cox.

Amend your records.


Buy My Books
  • Proctology: A Bottom Examination
    Proctology: A Bottom Examination

    For a long time now I’ve been wanting to write an old-fashioned programme guide. One you can hold in your hand and thumb through, make notes on, spill coffee on. So I did. Proctology: A Bottom Examination is my deep dive into Bottom, the hit BBC Two sitcom starring Rik Mayall and Adrian Edmondson. That’s…

Most Read
  • Re-Casting Keanu
    Re-Casting Keanu

    Keanu Reeves is 56. That makes him eight years older than Clive Dunn was when he was first cast in Dad’s Army. But don’t panic, Clive Dunn was always playing much older characters than his own age. Keanu Reeves is 56. That makes him seven years older than Stephanie Cole was when she was first…

From The Archive

Sign up for my FREE newsletter