Thought Vomit #15: ft. Metal

I thought that doing man-like endeavours would make me feel more manly. It doesn’t. Proof, if proof be need be*, that the more manly things I do, the less manly I feel is evident in this effete whine in the blogosphere. A real man wouldn’t update his Facebook status, he’d eat a grease sandwich with a pair off piping hot bolt cutters.

I made metal come.

That’s a boast and a half, until I admit I’m not referring to a metallurgical orgasm, but actually that I ordered metal from a website, which arrived at my house in a big cardboard tube. A tube that I had to saw in half to open. That sounds grrr and muscular doesn’t it? Well no, it’s because the lid was on too tight.

But I have been drilling and sawing and cutting and filing and sanding, which are all testosterone-laced activities. Activities that work up a sweat. I even had to breathlessly wipe my brow with an oily rag at one point. My sperm would be proud.

I’m making a steadicam rig, from scratch, with my own bare hands (and power tools). And herein lies the rub. I hate having dirty hands. It freaks me out. I can’t even have biro marks on my hand without going a bit faint. So when I dowse them in Carex (grrrrrr), and the lather goes all brown and funky, bricks actually fall out of my anus.

I thought oil and grease were bad enough, but then a can of spray paint exploded on me.

That was three days ago, and there’s still acetone based black paint on my fingers. It looks like I have the plague, and I think I might die.

Anyway, I’m off to impregnate a lorry, like the big hairy man I am.

(* kudos to you if you know what I’m quoting)

2 thoughts on “Thought Vomit #15: ft. Metal

  • May 4, 2009 at 1:05 am

    Kudos fella, kudos indeed.

    Today’s Mail On Sunday has a poster featuring the Queen’s crown and a message along the lines of “It’s okay, it’s alright.” Rather reminiscent of The Day Today’s crisis film for when John Major punches the Queen. We talk about this on this week’s Sundays Supplement.

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