The Smart of All Talk

Just got back from lunch with a Cambridge-based astronaut, a woman who gave up being an assassin in order to start her own plumbing business, and Peter Sissons. Needless to say, we had nothing to talk about.

It’s at times like this that I always wish I had a bag full of small talk ideas into which I can delve. So, in preparation for the next inevitable time that this happens, I’ve listed a few ideas for myself below. Help yourself if you need to.

WEETABIX OR WEMAIN? Should we leave the European Cereal Union, or do we gain more from being on the Cornflake Council? Make sure never to mention Shredded Wheat though. No-one likes that.

DID YOU WITNESS THE SPORTINGS? Say things like ‘Wenger doesn’t know how to win the backside of a cow’ or ‘The Denver Sombreros should change their racist name’ or ‘the trouble with modern footballists is their over-reliance on sarcastic tackles’.

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HOUSE PRICING? Where do you even get one of those clicker clacker machines that stick little white labels with numbers on them? And how are you supposed to find the price tag of a three bedroom semi when there isn’t a standard place to tie it? Then sit back looking smug as you declare that your equity has quadrupled in the time it took to burp up a tiramisu. Then stare blankly into space as you realise the futility of a mortgage based economic system.

BIG STINKING JOBBIES? Play a game of who has the best jobs when secretly you all know none of you have. Say things that suggest your superiors are morons from outer space and if only you were better at your jobs you would be running the whole company. Do all this whilst writing the word BLEAK into your mashed sweet potato.

Never, NEVER question why the soup has been served in a child’s watering can, or why the chips came on a muddy spade.

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