I was rooting around a skip this morning. In an effort to get some news other than Expenses and Susan Boyle, I swan dived face first into the plerthoric mound of discarded stories from the offices of The Daily Telegraph. I emerged with a mouth full of news (and Dyson fluff), which I will now vomit onto my keyboard. Here are some of the stories that the Daily Telegraph has ignored:
TOP TORY STOPS STORY:
Lawyers representing David Davis have applied for a temporary restraining order on the Telegraph, preventing it from reporting on a matter it considers of public interest.
From what I can see in the coffee stained notes, David Davis doesn’t want us to know that his hair has joined UKIP. He first became aware of his hair’s split from the party line when he awoke to hear it muttering vaguely racist remarks and articulating a decision not to take a seat in Brussels if it were to win. Apparently his coiffured locks did not wish to make a comment.
J’ADORE MA CHERIE:
Carol Caplin is about the launch an explosive new biography of Cherie Blair, simply entitled “Ian Woosnam”. In it, the bat-encrusted fruit cake new age spiritualist reveals some tasty nuggets about her employer, including: Cherie has no nipples as she has had them replaced with crystals; Cherie is not the mother of Leo; Cherie has a deformed mouth because it has been her daily job for two decades to manually inflate Tony’s smile, using a valve in the rear of his lips; when Cherie met Princess Diana, she made the social faux pas of wearing just a manky old grey bra, and nothing else; on seeing this, Lady People’s Princess Doe Eyed Diana commented on Cherie’s ill-trimmed toes with good humour and grace; and most explosively of all, Cherie eats kittens.
CHURCHILL WAS A ‘TRAITOR’:
Documents released this week from the National Archives demonstrate that Winston Churchill put Britain up for sale in the early months of 1942. The cigar begobbed Premier tried to offload the country to the highest bidder, having noted that since he got hold of it, its value had doubled in spite of war damage.
In a memo to his Foreign Secretary Anthony Eden, the drunk mad wrote, “With rocketing prices, now is a good time to sell. The profit we make will pay off the mortgage easily, and we can use the rest for a deposit on somewhere nice. Like Florida. Fewer bombs there too.”
Archivists have uncovered the advert that was posted in the window of Estate Agents Winsome & Bleak of Muswell Hill. It reads: “Small country with potential. 2 up, most of it down. Fight with Fascism requires attention.”
It seems the offers flooded in, but Eden cautioned about selling too soon, watching the price rise exponentially, before they suddenly collapsed, leaving the property almost worthless. Churchill later committed suicide in a bunker in Germany as allied troops advanced on him.
‘BUTTON IT’ HAMILTON WARNS JENSON:
Lewis Hamilton began a bizarre war of words with Formula One championship leader Jenson Button last night. In a hastily arranged press conference, the McLaren driver put on a baffling display for reporters. Sitting on a high stool, wearing a silver sequin dress and smoking a slim panatela cigar from a holder, he began by attacking his rival, calling him “a hopeless fantasist. Button hasn’t finished a race yet. He’s been sat in his car playing an Xbox racing game, and we haven’t the heart to tell him.”
When challenged with video evidence of the Brawn GP beast crossing the line at Monaco, leaving Hamilton a distant twelfth, he purred defensively, “that’s my car. I resprayed it on the start line. I’m the best driver on the grid, anyone can tell you. Ask Ronnie, he’d die for me.”
Asked if he was referring to Ron Dennis, the disgraced boss of the McLaren team, Hamilton replied: “Heavens no. Ron Ron’s an oaf. I’m talking about Ronnie Kray. He’s a real man.”
Jenson Button has refused to be drawn on these comments, but team owner Ross Brawn did suggest that Hamilton is suffering a bit from the stress, and that he has asked Simon Cowell to intervene.
OBAMA BIDS A FOND HALO:
President Obama has set tongues wagging with his appearance at a White House dinner sporting a bona fide halo. It is thought the cranial adornment has been specially commissioned from the same New England jeweller who cast the Plan B bullet. This little known rifle shell, fashioned from a single piece of silver, was made to be used in the event that George Bush ever got too rambunctious. Rumour has it that the Plan B bullet was loaded into a gun only once, but never fired.