Thought Vomit #59: ft. A Complete Lie

‘Click’ on the BBC News Channel is evil. It would make Jesus’ balls whimper. The most dangerous thing about it is the section where they recommend websites. This is often broadcast on a Sunday afternoon when I have nothing better to do than follow their advice. It’s either that or going to Church and trying to hear the messiah’s moaning testicles.

So it was that I found myself on a heinous website called Omegle. If you truly have to go and visit it, do so with a giant bag of Monster Munch and pair of anti-twunt goggles. It’s so bad, I’ve blocked it on my firewall now simply out of spite.

The basic premise is that the site will connect you with a random stranger so that you can have a chat on your keyboards. The majority of connections end very quickly, but one or two pan out into something longer. So I have cut and paste the final chat I had.

You are connected with a Stranger, say Hi.
YOU: Hello, I’m Simon.
STRANGER: You a bird?
YOU: No, I’m a big manly man, grrrr.
YOU: Hello Jack.
YOU: That’s weird, it said Jack.
STRANGER: No it didnt
YOU: It’s possible that the internet lies to us.
STRANGER: So r u a woman or wot?
YOU: No, I’m a big manly man, grrr.
STRANGER: Are u bein sarkastik?
YOU: Yes.
STRANGER: So u r a bird then?
YOU: Yes, if you must, I AM a bird.
YOU: Yeah, it’s boiling, I hate the sun.
STRANGER: What ya wearin?!
YOU: A layer of self loathing.
STRANGER: Is that sum kinda sexi underware?
YOU: Not sure you could call it sexy, no. The opposite in fact.
STRANGER: You got nice tits?
YOU: They’re a healthy size I suppose, I’m a bit self-conscious.
STRANGER: What size? 40DD??!! I luvs em big.
YOU: I bet you loves your BNP too.
STRANGER: Is that a durtee sex act?
YOU: Well, they are fuckers yes.
STRANGER: Then yeah. I love fuckin!!
YOU: Are you flirting with me?
STRANGER: Mebbe. U like?
YOU: I’m a man.
STRANGER: Im ur man. Bet you need a gud nobbin.
YOU: No, I don’t NEED a man, I AM a man. Ostensibly.
STRANGER: U in ure nikkers?
YOU: I have no idea what you just typed.
STRANGER: Soz. I typed u in ure nikkers!!
YOU: No, you’ve just typed the same thing again. That’s not clarification.
STRANGER: Wanna meet 4 a shag?
YOU: I think you’d be sorely disappointed.
STRANGER: U can make me sore anytime baby.
YOU: I like to think you’re being poetic.
STRANGER: U wanna be romansed or nobbed?
YOU: Neither.
STRANGER: We cud do it in hotel.
YOU: Do what?
YOU: What’s It?
STRANGER: You know it!
YOU: This is turning into an Abbot and Costello routine.
STRANGER: They ure hot mates? They can join in!
YOU: So, let me clarify, you want me and Abbot and Costello to join you in a hotel room?
STRANGER: Fuk yeah!!!
YOU: And do what?
STRANGER: Anythink u want baby.
YOU: Could we play Scrabble?
STRANGER: Afta you suk me off yeh!
YOU: What would Abbot and Costello be doing?
STRANGER: Eachova! as we watch!
YOU: Alright, it’s a deal.
YOU: Yeah, seriously. Which hotel? When?
STRANGER: U know the Thistle down the road from me?
YOU: Intimately yes.
STRANGER: Kool I go get a room now!
YOU: Please do. I’ll call Abbott and have him fetch Costello.
STRANGER: Is your mates men!!
YOU: Oh yes.
STRANGER: I aint no batty bumma.

Stranger has disconnected from this conversation.

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