Thought Vomit #62: ft. No News Is Good News

It appears I haven’t seen the news or read a paper for over a week now, so I don’t know what’s happening in the world, other than Michael Jackson dying and Andy Murray losing. So I thought I’d bring myself bang up to date with a little bit of Googling and feeds catch up. This is what I’ve learnt:

Bernie Madoff is laughing all the way to the penitentiary, having swindled the Justice system out of 150 years. In what is now evidently a Ponzi scheme, Madoff admits that his entire sentence was a lie. Red-faced prosecutors were left holding a promissory note for years served, and it is thought they may never get them back.

James Bond has caused a major security alert this week by publishing top secret details of his life on Facebook. The MI6 Commander, now sporting a half-melted face and a Rugby player’s gait, list his interests as Skiing, Killing and Making Sex. Photos he has posted show him receiving oral sex from a Russian Double Agent whilst lighting one of his own farts, ‘tackle out’ on the bonnet of his Government issue Aston, and pushing a bottle into an unconscious Blofeld’s backside.

British Airways staff have been combating the recent heatwave using their generous pay freeze.

Alex Ferguson’s hilarious wheeze has been rumbled by eagle-eyed Royal Mail staff. Having sold Ronaldo and signed Michael Owen, the Manchester United manager attempted to post Owen to Madrid wearing a Ronaldo football shirt. He said he thought the Real club wouldn’t notice the difference, then said something racist about the Spanish.

And finally, the Apollo 11 astronauts have announced an anniversary comeback tour. They plan a nostalgic trip back to the lunar surface, culminating on the 20th July with a live rock concert from the Sea Of Tranquility. Acts already confirmed for the show include Peter Andre, Madness, Bruce Springstein and Tatu. Neil Armstrong is expected to recreate his famous ‘One Small Step’ routine with the Aldrin and Collins parts played by Horne and Corden. NASA promises to leave the two stars behind on the moon with only the oxygen of fame to breathe.

Buy My Books
  • Proctology: A Bottom Examination
    Proctology: A Bottom Examination

    For a long time now I’ve been wanting to write an old-fashioned programme guide. One you can hold in your hand and thumb through, make notes on, spill coffee on. So I did. Proctology: A Bottom Examination is my deep dive into Bottom, the hit BBC Two sitcom starring Rik Mayall and Adrian Edmondson. That’s…

Most Read
  • Re-Casting Keanu
    Re-Casting Keanu

    Keanu Reeves is 56. That makes him eight years older than Clive Dunn was when he was first cast in Dad’s Army. But don’t panic, Clive Dunn was always playing much older characters than his own age. Keanu Reeves is 56. That makes him seven years older than Stephanie Cole was when she was first…

From The Archive

Sign up for my FREE newsletter