In this week’s Sundays Supplement, I wondered aloud what Robocop would be like had he been made by Homeopaths.
This thought was bought on by the assertion in one of the People’s health supplements that homeopathy was good for any eventuality.
What if you’ve been ambushed in a warehouse by a gang of violent criminals who proceed to shoot you to shreds?
Homeopaths say “let like be cured by like”, so what’s the like for like cure here? What if, in the future, Omni Consumer Products replace proper emergency paramedics with parahomeopaths? When they arrive on the scene, instead of dressing the wounds and whatnot, they need to administer something that induces the same symptoms. So, what tears flesh from limbs at an astonishingly violent rate?
A combine harvester.
But homeopaths aren’t morons, they know that administering something harmful is well, harmful. So, obviously, the best way round this is to make the dose smaller. So small in fact, by a process of dilution upon dilution upon dilution, that the resulting concoction means you’d have to drink the entire world’s oceans to ingest just one molecule of the original active ingredient.
In this case, a combine harvester.
They’re parahomeopaths, so they’ve seen gun shot wounds before, and will obviously be prepared. They will have already made their remedy back at base. They will have taken the combine harvester, and added it to water. Then they will have shaken it ten times, before taking one single drop of this solution, and adding it to more water and shaking that ten times. They will have repeated this ad nauseum, until they have a solution at the crime scene that could very well contain the memory of a combine harvester.
But this is a hopeless case, he can’t be saved, and he must now have his body desecrated to become Robocop.
So, at the Alt.Med Emergency Room he is declared “in a transient state of being that will allow him to pass through the portal and assume a new life in the other world, for legal reasons, formerly known as dead”.
Everything goes black.
When he awakes, he finds himself with no memory, strapped to a chair in Omni Consumer Products. The company has seen the light, and no longer subscribes to the ideals of Big Pharma and corporate capitalism, instead embracing the new-age, non-westernised philosophies.
Thus, Robocop’s software has been programmed by numerologists, who believe everything is down to numbers, so long as you keep adding up their integers until you have a single number. For instance, 13 becomes 4, or 129 becomes 12 which then becomes 3. Thus, all binary coding, consisting of millions of zeros and ones, has been reduced to 1.
In numerology, this 1 means Individual, Aggressor or Yang.
However, in computer coding it doesn’t inherently mean anything, so Robocop fails to boot up.
The world goes to shit.
Even the writers of science fiction realise the importance of science, because without it, it’s all just fiction.